So, yesterday, Wednesday, was the end of 39 weeks. 6 days to go and I'm due to deliver.
Heh. Guess I'd better hurry up and pack my bag and my son's bag, LOL!
Monday night/Tuesday morning was kindof rough. A friend/co-worker has a 9 month old son who has been in the hospital most of his short life. His son was in the children's ward of a hospital in a town about an hour to 2 hours drive away. Let's call the son baby "C".
So C needed heart surgery. He didn't have enough arteries to his heart, and although he was getting by, it would cause him problems later. And he was being fed through a tube directly into his stomach, because he couldn't swallow well, and would aspirate food or stomach acid. And his lungs were kindof iffy... sometimes he would have low oxygen saturation levels that couldn't entirely be explained. And the poor kid kept catching infections, probably in part because of all the medical intervention... all the tests that involved sticking tubes into the poor guy's throat, etc., in order to take a look at things and try to figure out what was wrong with him.
I'd been keeping up on how he was doing on a web page that was provided by the hospital he was staying at. Baby C's parents updated it fairly often.
Baby C's parents took turns staying down at the hospital. While one was at the hospital, the other was in town working, and taking care of their 3 year old daughter.
Monday morning baby C was scheduled to finally have his heart surgery. He seemed really stable, like his lungs were doing ok and like he was in good enough health to finally have the surgery and hopefully be able to go home with his family soon. I was excited to read that, and hopeful everything would go well. Baby C was such a trooper, as were his parents.
Monday night/Tuesday morning I read the latest update on the web page. Baby C didn't make it. He had complications with his lungs during the surgery, and died.
I read it about at 2am Tuesday. Cried buckets. Posted my comments on the web page, i.e., how sorry I was, etc. Then emailed work to forewarn them, so they could do what they could for C's dad, who works at my company.
Then I posted something about it on Tribe. And after crying some more, I flipped channels on TV trying to calm myself down. As much as I wanted to grieve, it wouldn't do me or my unborn son any good for me to let myself be all upset about it.
Tuesday at 5am I crawled into bed. I also ate 2 prunes just before doing so, as I've been fighting off pregger constipation. Sometime around 6am I fell asleep.
Tuesday morning, 8am, I got up. Had a major poo, but had to push to get it out. Then thought I had caused a contraction from all my pushing. And maybe also from my emotional upset over baby C. Oops...
Crawled back into bed, drank some water, and worried for a little bit. The "contraction" wasn't all that painful. And afterwards, all I felt was Braxton Hicks contractions, which aren't painful for me. I could only tell I was having them by feeling my belly, and thus knowing it was going from "hard basketball" to "soft volleyball". :)
I was told if I had 4 contractions an hour, I should go to the hospital. I thought about it. I REALLY didn't want to go.
When people go through a traumatic experience, the best thing for them is to sleep. It helps all sorts of things. Lets their minds process what's happened. If I went to the hospital, I was only going to get more stressed out. I wasn't having anything like painful contractions. Screw it. I put my head back on the pillow, and passed out.
It's hard to deal with the death of a little child. It never feels like it makes any sense. And, as an expectant mother, it was messing with me. Why did God take baby C away? Would He take my baby away, too?
Had to remind myself, even God went through this. He lost His Son. Admittedly, it was planned and necessary. And both Father and Son were in agreement over what had to happen. [Though neither liked the price that had to be paid. Jesus even asked His Father if the "cup" could be taken away from Him, but still, to have God's will be done over the matter.]
Reminding myself of that... and that God empathizes with our pain... made it easier. And made me a little less worried that God was going to be taking my baby next.
So, baby C is having his funeral on Friday. I don't think I'll be going... have too much going on at home, and not sure it's a good idea. Sounds like a little more stress than I should be putting myself through. Much like Scarlett O'Hara, I need to "think about baby C" another day. Gotta concentrate on my unborn son.
Tuesday, after sleeping in until 2 or 3pm, I crawled out of bed, fed the dogs, fed myself, got cleaned up, and headed down for my flu shot. Weeeee.... ;)
Wednesday I took it extremely easy. Didn't want to feel anything like a real contraction again until my son is really supposed to come out.
Thursday, i.e., today, was extremely busy. 9:20am ObGyn appointment, where the doctor told me that I hadn't had a "REAL" contraction Tuesday morning. And that, if I had had a real contraction, I'd know it, LOL! And that my unborn son was still hanging out in the womb, head down, and that other than a softening of the cervix on the vaginal side, there was no evidence that my son was coming out early, LOL! He's still happy to hang out for the long haul. :)
I had a 10:45am appointment with my psychiatrist. But before that, I needed something to eat, as I was STARVING. I rushed through McD's, scarfed food on the drive back to my shrink, and made it to the correct block in time... to see that there was NO parking allowed on the side of the street where my shrink is for about 3 blocks. Tree-cutting. No parking on the opposite side, as everyone and their dog was parked there. Did a few circles and finally found a place to park. Now I was late. I waddled my pregger body as fast as I could, short of running. [Running when you are 6 days from delivery is a bad idea, LOL!] Hit the crosswalk button. Car on my left decided to turn right in front of me when the light turned green, and when the crosswalk also said it was safe to go. I stayed on the sidewalk, muttering "Yeah, that's right, bitch. Ignore the pregnant woman." Mutter mutter mutter... I crossed the street, made it to my appointment. Shrink was running late too. Whew. Had a good talk with the people in the front office while waiting.
My shrink is a really sweet guy. We were both laughing as he's going to be in for shoulder surgery on my due date: we'd both be all doped up during Thanksgiving, LOL.
He talked a bit about baby C with me. As part of his getting his credentials, he got to work in different departments of the hospital. He said pediatrics was the hardest. Watching little kids be so sick and suffer... it got to him. So he totally understood how I was feeling.
Then we talked about, of all things, trying to feed my baby every 3 hours during the day so he'd be more inclined to sleep more during the night, LOL! And about how, once a baby is deeply asleep, it can be VERY HARD to get him/her to wake up for that scheduled feeding, LOL! His description of trying to get his own son to wake up during the day for a feeding was hysterical. :)
My shrink also told me to just try to enjoy this time as much as possible, to see the humor in all of it. Whereupon I replied, "I guess you've never read my blog!" ;)
So, appointment #2 done, LOL.
Drove to where I'd had my flu shot Tuesday. I'd forgotten to give them the "recommended donation". They were really appreciative of my coming back, and also remembered me talking about baby C! Whoa. Good memory! Heh.
It was only a few blocks from my shrink to where they were doing flu shots, so it wasn't that big a deal for me to go back. :) And it was the right thing to do.
Then did errands:
Pet store for 2 dog harnesses, so I could belt the dogs in to my car. Letting them run amok in the back seat with my son in a baby seat back there didn't sound like a good idea. They wouldn't intentionally try to hurt him, but they probably would step on the poor kid, LOL!
Orchard Supply Hardware for some cleaning tools. Wanted some empty squirt bottles so I could make some low-concentration bleach, or alcohol, or vinegar sprays. Trying to find some stuff that would be fairly safe to use to clean surfaces our son is going to be lying up against. Also got some more cleaning supplies and stuff...
Staples for stamps (I REALLY need to get those thank you notes out, LOL!), and for cardboard boxes to pack up all my Vampire and other children-inappropriate books that are still stored in our baby's future room. [Somehow I think he's a little young yet to be reading Anne Rice. :) ]
Got home at 1:30pm. Cleaners hadn't been here yet. Whew! That meant the bathroom was available... I wouldn't be interrupting them cleaning it if I asked if I could pee. Heh... my bladder just gets smaller and smaller. Peed. Fed dogs. Realized I was going to DROP. Slept from 2pm to 5pm, with a couple of phone call interruptions. [Cleaners needed to postpone until Friday, Mother-in-Law checking in from Arizona to make sure the kid hadn't popped out yet, LOL. :) ]
So that's been my week so far.
Oh, with one more ironic thing: I got a letter from the EDD saying that my disability had been disapproved because they hadn't been given the amount of sick time I was going to be using! Hmph... well, there's the start of the pre-partum time until when I actually deliver, which is predicted to be November 21st, but that's really up to God. Then... let's see... if there's no complications, then 6 weeks from the birth for post-partum. If C-section, then 8 weeks from birth. If really bad complications, who the heck knows. Then there's the 6 weeks on top of that to "bond" with our baby son. So basically, damned if I know. Like I can predict this??? Granted, I had a feeling I was pregnant in the beginning, and a feeling that our son was going to stay in at least until the due date, but those are just moments of female intuition!!! Yeesh.
Did the EDD *MISS* the information that says this is all about maternity leave??
Harrumph. Looks like I have a couple or 3 phone calls to make tomorrow on top of the list of calls I already have in my queue. I think this is a miscommunication between either my ObGyn and the EDD or my company and the EDD. Or SDI and EDD. Not sure whom I need to complain to, LOL!
Well, that explains why I haven't gotten a check yet under SDI. GREAT.... Good thing I was trying to stash away a little cash prior to taking maternity leave.
Oh, yeah. And my Mom is freaking out and thinking she isn't physically capable of taking care of the baby when I go back to work. Which I kinda wondered about anyway, because of Mom's congestive heart failure. The recent freak out is because she had a "bad week" with her congestive heart failure. And I can totally understand that making her worry if she's really up to taking care of our son. But at the same time, hubby and I are both thinking she'll calm down about and change her mind next week, LOL. :)
And the other bad news: the girlfriend of a friend of ours is missing. She took off when she heard some upsetting news. She was in rehab for a while, then came to live with our friend and also live with her Mom, to finish detoxing. But now, as of Monday, she's un-locatable. Which probably means she's using again. Sigh. I really wish she'd completed her full stay at the rehab place instead of leaving early. Leaving early was really a mistake for her... she needed the full treatment time, far away from temptation, with professionals who could deal with what she's going through. I'm worried about her, and about our friend. Not much I can do about it.
And before you think of it, our friend would not have provided her with temptation. Far from it. It's just that, being out of rehab, she's back where she can make contact with people who could get her drugs. And am afraid that's exactly what's happened... that she's back under the influence. Sigh.
The good news: went out to dinner with hubby and one of his co-workers. Had an awesome time talking shit. And our friend's sister works at the restaurant, so got to talk to her as well, and hear about her 3 pregnancies, LOL. :) Basically it was just really nice to be outside just to chill, and have some real food.
I have to say, I'm developing quite a few acquaintances at the various clinics I've had to go to throughout this pregnancy, LOL! I think I mentioned once before that the phlebotomy department at one place wants me to bring our son by after he's born, LOL! Well, so does my shrink. :) It's cracking me up... I'm used to having friends at work, but having all these acquaintances at my various doctor's offices?!?!? :)
Oh, another thing about baby C. I had been keeping my parents up to date on his condition for most of his life. That way they could pray for him, and have their Bible Study also pray for him.
I was a sick little kid growing up... nothing as bad as baby C, but still some things were predicted -- that thank God, never came to pass -- that scared the crap out of my Mom at least. Dad I think wasn't so scared... he was maybe partly in denial, and unwilling to accept any of the scary predictions until they actually happened. I did nearly die my first year, due to my puny immune system. But here I am now, basically a normal 39 year old, having (thank God!) a reasonably healthy pregnancy.
There's what doctor's predict, and there's what God says will happen. God trumps doctors every time.
Anyway, my Mom had been identifying alot with baby C because of her experience with me being so sickly as a little kid, and all my hospital visits. So here I was, with this bad news. I'd already taken it pretty hard... how hard would Mom take it?!?!? I decided to put off telling her. Emailed my Sister about it.
Well, ironically, my Sister was on the phone with our Mom while my Sister was reading the email I sent her. My Sister read the email to our Mom before she got to the point where I said, "I dread telling Mom about this", LOL! So Mom got to hear about it, got to get her crying out with Dad, and pray over it. And was basically ok with it by the time I next spoke to her!
I was HORRENDOUSLY grateful to my Sister, LOL! Even if she only told Mom on accident! :)
So, thinking about what happened to baby C also made me think of what if I died during the birth. I'd be leaving my poor husband w/o a wife, and my son w/o a mother. And what would this do to my parents? I was pretty sure my Husband and my Sister would survive the loss. But not so certain of my parents. It would probably kill my Mom... whereupon Dad would die from the shock of losing both Mom and me. Sigh.
I found myself hoping my Sister could tell my parents about my death, too, and take it out of my hands. I wasn't sure I could handle how they would react to it.
Whereupon... yeah... hee-hee. :) Realized it wouldn't really be in my hands in the first place. And got the stupid giggles. :)
My ObGyn's office talked to the EDD office, and straightened it all out. The guy at the EDD office even called me just to verify my home address for sending the checks! And he was INTELLIGENT, and COMPASSIONATE, LOL! And very concerned that I'd been stressed out by the decline letter. [I was a little stressed about it last night, but by this morning, realized it would just probably take some phone calls to fix it.]
So, I can still afford to be on Maternity Leave! Yea!!!!!!! :)
Anything negative I've said about government workers I have to take back, LOL. :)