So, the friend I talked about? Who needed my help a prior Tuesday, ironically on 9/11/2007?
She was asking for help I couldn't give her, but not asking for the help she truly needed. But thankfully, according to her boyfriend, she is now getting that help she truly needed. I am judiciously leaving out the details. But I am VERY happy that she's finally getting the help she actually needed. Whew.
And I'm proud of her. This will be the 2nd time she's needed this sort of help. After she got the help the first time, she was fine for many years. Having to get help a 2nd time had to be a real blow to her ego.
The boyfriend, who is also a really good friend of mine and my husband's, is kindof in shock. But holding up pretty well in spite of it.
Now for the bad news. I learned yesterday that a college friend of mine became divorced as of August 1st of this year. His wife wanted to study abroad for 4 years, and would get better financial aid benefits, and other benefits, if she were single. But although she hinted at it, she never firmly stated that she intended the divorce to be final, and not just a matter of convenience for the financial aid. However, she did say she might end up working abroad, or working in the States (but at a different location from where my friend lives), or possibly back in the same town my friend lives in. But no mention of inviting him to come abroad to work while she's in school, or visiting every 6 months. So, no indication that she intended to remarry him once she was done, but no definitive indication that she meant the divorce to be final. Just alot of evidence that pointed to the high probability that the divorce was final.
I mean, it made me wonder if she just wanted the marriage legally over, for the financial aid, but still wanted to remain faithful and married in spirit. She just really kept that aspect of the whole deal fuzzy where my college friend was concerned.
But the spiritual aspect of the marriage became pretty clear when she told my friend from college that she and this other guy were an item.
????
And now I just learned that she and this other guy in this other country got married, in order to increase her benefits?
My college friend is taking this REALLY well. I don't know if it's just his easy-going nature, or the fact that he's kindof had a heads up that things were going to get really weird, since his wife started planning in May to study abroad in September.
Me, I'm just dumbfounded. They were married for nearly 8 years. Was she ever really in love with my college friend? Was this always just a marriage of convenience, and now that she needs other things in life, it was no longer convenient?
Come to think of it, when they first got married, I think it was in part so she could get medical benefits from my college friend's health plan. But I always thought there was more to it than that.
I just can't see my college friend ever pulling this one someone else.
I can't see myself ever doing this to my husband, or him ever doing this to me, you know? We're in it for the long haul. We love each other. We're faithful to each other. We have a kid on the way.
Is it me, or is the world just going more and more crazy?
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
My Mom needs a keeper...
So, I'm in Trader Joe's, getting some stuff that my Gestational Diabetes dietician recommended.
My cell rings. It's my husband. He tells me that my Mom has managed to lock herself out of her house! She was heading out to Bible Study, and then realized that her door and car keys were locked inside the house. Dad is working late, and won't be home until well after 11pm.
I call my Mom and let her know I just need to pick up a few more things, then I'll come unlock her door. I finish making my purchases and drive on over. There's Mom, sitting on the stairs to the back door.
I get out and tell her, "Ok, it's official: you need a keeper!" I'm grinning and obviously teasing her. She gets all embarrassed and guilty, saying she's really sorry to be a bother and stuff. I manage to get her to relax and tell her it's ok.
I mention the option of hiding some keys outside their house. Of course, she could also give spare keys to her friends or any neighbors she trusts.
I unlock the door, she goes inside and gets her keys, and we head back out.
Ever since the accident my relative had, my Mom's been a little nervous herself about driving. So I offer to follow her, since the Bible Study is on the way home.
So, she gets in her car, I get in my car, and off we go.
Before she leaves the housing area their place is in, she pulls over and turns on the windshield wipers. The wiper fluid ejection system is apparently aimed a little too high: I see twin jets of washer fluid mostly shooting up over the roof of her car, like she's got twin elves standing on the hood of her car, relieving themselves most POWERFULLY! I about fall over into the passenger seat, I'm laughing so hard!
I learned later that Dad had attempted to aim them more towards the windshield, but had failed. Hence, the, 'er, "watershow".
So, we hit the road again. She drives PAINFULLY slowly the entire way there. She confuses me once by signaling that she's getting into the right hand lane (when we're about to go through a light), and staying in the left lane when she's done. Ok, then... I shift back behind her, and decide not to believe her signals, LOL!
She turns down the wrong road to the Bible Study (something she claims she's never done before), and we both do U-turns to get her to the right location. I teased her later and said she was probably just nervous, because I was right behind her.
She parks. She thanks me for the escort. I head out for home.
Unbeknownst to me, as she's getting out of her car, her car keys fall OFF THE KEY CHAIN, and so when she closed her car door... YES, YOU GUESSED IT... she locked herself out of her car!!!
She didn't want to bother me about it, and so, after the Bible Study, got a ride home from one of her friends. Dad drove her earlier today to go rescue the car, LOL!
As it is, all I could have given her is a ride home. I don't have spare car keys for that car. ;)
My Sister and I are still laughing about it. :)
My cell rings. It's my husband. He tells me that my Mom has managed to lock herself out of her house! She was heading out to Bible Study, and then realized that her door and car keys were locked inside the house. Dad is working late, and won't be home until well after 11pm.
I call my Mom and let her know I just need to pick up a few more things, then I'll come unlock her door. I finish making my purchases and drive on over. There's Mom, sitting on the stairs to the back door.
I get out and tell her, "Ok, it's official: you need a keeper!" I'm grinning and obviously teasing her. She gets all embarrassed and guilty, saying she's really sorry to be a bother and stuff. I manage to get her to relax and tell her it's ok.
I mention the option of hiding some keys outside their house. Of course, she could also give spare keys to her friends or any neighbors she trusts.
I unlock the door, she goes inside and gets her keys, and we head back out.
Ever since the accident my relative had, my Mom's been a little nervous herself about driving. So I offer to follow her, since the Bible Study is on the way home.
So, she gets in her car, I get in my car, and off we go.
Before she leaves the housing area their place is in, she pulls over and turns on the windshield wipers. The wiper fluid ejection system is apparently aimed a little too high: I see twin jets of washer fluid mostly shooting up over the roof of her car, like she's got twin elves standing on the hood of her car, relieving themselves most POWERFULLY! I about fall over into the passenger seat, I'm laughing so hard!
I learned later that Dad had attempted to aim them more towards the windshield, but had failed. Hence, the, 'er, "watershow".
So, we hit the road again. She drives PAINFULLY slowly the entire way there. She confuses me once by signaling that she's getting into the right hand lane (when we're about to go through a light), and staying in the left lane when she's done. Ok, then... I shift back behind her, and decide not to believe her signals, LOL!
She turns down the wrong road to the Bible Study (something she claims she's never done before), and we both do U-turns to get her to the right location. I teased her later and said she was probably just nervous, because I was right behind her.
She parks. She thanks me for the escort. I head out for home.
Unbeknownst to me, as she's getting out of her car, her car keys fall OFF THE KEY CHAIN, and so when she closed her car door... YES, YOU GUESSED IT... she locked herself out of her car!!!
She didn't want to bother me about it, and so, after the Bible Study, got a ride home from one of her friends. Dad drove her earlier today to go rescue the car, LOL!
As it is, all I could have given her is a ride home. I don't have spare car keys for that car. ;)
My Sister and I are still laughing about it. :)
Friday, September 14, 2007
Where to start?
Monday, 9/10/07, I worked almost 9 hours. Then I went grocery shopping. Once I got home, it was almost 7:30pm. I was tired, too tired to put groceries away. I needed to sit for a moment. And I badly needed dinner.
Husband is on couch in pain. Agony, actually, but I didn't realize it was that bad. Really bad cramps in his shoulders. He was trying to use a heating pad to fix it. I later found out they were bad enough to cause him to puke. :P Now that's bad.
I get this phone call from someone I don't recognize. She then explains she's with a close relative of mine, who has been in a car accident. And that my close relative is really rattled, and she really needs me to stay with her.
I pack a few items in my lunchbox, since I really can't be going hungry alot while preggers. Plus after I eat, I then have to prick my fingers. I don't know how long this whole thing is going to take, so...
I ask my husband to please put the groceries away while I'm off, having no idea that his pain is so bad he's going to puke while I'm gone! He mumbles something about sure. He says for me to give him a call if I need him to help. And amazing to me now, he does manage to put the groceries away, after he's finished puking. My husband is awesome.
My close relative... this was her wedding anniversary. She had called her husband, but his hearing is going, and he refuses to get a hearing aid. So the combination of static on her cell phone and his poor hearing meant that he didn't understand what she was asking him to do. So, he didn't come out to help her and/or just be with her. Add the fact that he was suffering from a bad case of the flu, and... yeah.
So I arrive. I talk to the cops. I talk to her. And I find out she accidentally ran a red light in the heart of downtown. The sunlight was in her eyes. She was driving really slowly, thankfully, because that part of town is notorious for having people walking against the light, and bicyclists zipping in and out of traffic.
When she was at the light, she saw a mom and daughter on her right. The daughter was holding the mom's hand. Then she looked away to move through the light, which she thought was green. She didn't see the daughter running ahead of the mom, into the crosswalk.
So yes, my close relative hit the little girl. :P Before you panic, the little girl was ok. The police assured my relative that the little girl was ok, but was being taken to the hospital to get checked on. The little girl was up and walking around after having been hit.
My relative probably only hit her hard enough to knock the poor little girl on her keester.
A ton of people stood in front of my relative's car. My relative tried to park, but the people were blocking her. They thought she was trying to flee the scene! She finally gave up trying to park, left the engine on, and got out of the vehicle. She stumbled forward and yelled that someone needed to call an ambulance, and if the little girl was alright.
The mother of the little girl merely glared at her. I guess I would have done that also, but the relative really hadn't meant to hit the little girl. My relative was very unsteady and shaky -- she has congestive heart failure -- and it took 2 men to carry her to a bench to sit down. And the police and ambulance eventually arrived.
There were two groups at the scene... the group surrounding the mother and child, and the group that was helping out my relative, getting her some cold water to drink. The group around the mother and child were all Mexican. The group around my relative were all white. It was really a shame, but that's exactly how the lines were drawn. :P
By the time I got there, there was a cop on duty, the ambulance had been and left, and the crowds had dispersed. I moved her car to a better parking location as she was in no condition to drive. I got debriefed by the cop and talked and comforted my relative. I heard that the little girl was going to be ok.
I then drove my relative to her home. We agreed that I couldn't drive her husband back to pick up the car, as he had the flu (and I'm nearly 7 months preggers), so the next day I called a cab to pick him up.
Meanwhile, my husband had vomited and put away groceries!
I crawled home, ate dinner, poked my fingers, and collapsed in bed, worrying about the little girl and about the probability that the mother of the little girl was going to sue the pants off my relative. Thankfully my relative has good automobile insurance.
And it bugged me how much the little girl's mom obviously hated my relative... when the whole thing was just a horrible accident. It also bugged me how it became this weird racial thing... group of Mexicans in one corner, group of whites in another. The whole thing was a combination of the worst of human nature and the best, in the sense that both groups were at least taking care of the person involved in the accident: the little girl on one side, my relative on the other.
That night I think I had the Chemistry nightmare. Something about realizing I had final exams and 2 papers due on my Chemistry class. Due the next day. I could remember what one paper was supposed to be about, but not the other. And then I realized I had finals in a bunch of other classes, but wasn't sure what and when they were as my planner just stopped at the day of the Chemistry final. Only I only realized it was both the Chemistry final and the day both papers were due at the same date and time towards the end, when I'd run out of time to write anything. And something about my sister telling me that maybe this whole thing wasn't mean to be? I think I screamed at her. :P
Tuesday, 9/11:
I was sortof calmer about what happened last night. Then, in the afternoon, I get a call from a friend. She needed me to help her out. For reasons I can't go into, I couldn't. She needs something she's not asking for, and until she asks for what she really needs... well... it's a long story. But after hanging up with her, I just felt helpless.
Got home after work. Ironed an outfit for my husband as he thought he would be heading to LA on Thursday, our 9th Wedding anniversary. Just a day trip.
Wednesday, 9/12:
Had an 8am appointment with the dietician. Thankfully, I'm doing pretty well on diet, according to the sugar testing numbers. Phew. But having to get up early enough to feed dogs, prick fingers, feed me... the time to prick my fingers AFTER breakfast coincided with when I was in bumper to bumper traffic, trying to get to my appointment in time. I ended up pricking my fingers in the dietician's office, about 10 minutes late, LOL!
Then work. Dead tired, and with 8+ hours of work, then 7 to 9pm baby class, I was going to be pretty trashed by the end of the day.
It was 11:50am. I was listening to "Blackout", by "Hybrid". I was singing along with it. There's a repeating line in it, "And the lights... go... out..." On the 2nd to last repeat of that line, as I was singing "And the lights... go... out..." -- they did. For 10 seconds.
I paused the song, freaking a little bit. My computer at work is on a UPS, so I hadn't lost any work. But the coincidence was just WEIRD.
I walked around the building, checking the computers that are running stuff I support, to make sure they were ok. Had to log back into one computer that my co-worker uses, and restart some software he runs. But that was about it.
I've had other weird coincidences in my life. Back in the early 90's, I prayed once for help from God to get up in the morning. I was really stressed about a project I was working on at work, and wanted to get in really early to keep working on it. For reasons I'm not sure I understood, I set my alarm for 4:30am.
Alarm goes off. I turn it off and the lights on. "What was I thinking? I can't even log into the network until 7am..." I put my head back on the pillow, leaving the lights on for the moment. At 4:31am, the Northridge earthquake starts.
I AM NOT KIDDING. I have had some weird shit happen in my life. I decided finally that I couldn't blame myself for the earthquake. Maybe it was God showing me that He listens to me, that He's there. And that He just made sure I set the alarm for the correct time, to set the coincidence up.
So, with the stressors occurring in my life recently... admittedly, things that are happening to other people I care about, not to me personally... maybe I needed a reminder of His presence. Hence the coincidence of this weird 10 second blackout.
So, I work until 6:30pm, then drove down to the baby class.
There was a video that was going to show an animation of the cervix opening up prior to birth. Animation. Ok, my husband and I can handle an animation. But then the video moved forward to showing a live birth! And, just for extra gross-out, the placenta coming out.
The entire class was speechless, and a little green. I looked over at my husband, and saw him furiously reading something in his lap rather than looking up to see that incredibly disgusting red blob of a placenta again!
The gal leading the class apologized for the placenta thing... she'd forgotten to forewarn us all. I raised my hand and said something about, "yeah, I thought this was going to be an ANIMATION?!?!?" Everyone laughed.
We leave the class at 9pm. Husband tells me that the LA trip got moved from Thursday to Friday. Now, if you're smart, you will NEVER try to drive to LA (or away from LA) on a Friday. Because THAT'S WHAT EVERYONE ELSE WILL ALSO BE DOING. So he's not quite so keen on making that trip now, understandably, and is considering bowing out.
That night I had a strange dream about the baby again. Once again, he was twins, but not conjoined at least. Both of them were premature, and because of it, had pointy ears?!?!? And they were both in this huge playpen. I noticed that there were some animals in the playpen, including a bird. And in one corner was some bird and animal poo. I got into the playpen with them, with a scrub brush and some clorox, and scrubbed the poo away. And what was really extra weird, the floor wasn't a normal plastic playpen floor, but was a metal mesh floor... like the floor in a bunny hutch!
Thursday, 9/13:
Woke up late. Remembered just before husband left to say "Happy Anniversary!", LOL! Prepared my breakfast. Poked finger. Started eating while soaking dog food. Poked finger 10 minutes early to drive to see ObGyn. Weee!
Then worked the rest of the day. For some reason, towards the end of the day, started to feel a little nauseated. Came home.
Husband cooked bacon and sausages for me. And wished me a Happy Anniversary, LOL! Whereupon I was like, "Oh, yeah! That's what I forgot for this evening!", LOL! I have a card, but it's mushy, not funny. It says what I mean, but my husband doesn't like cards, and I really wanted to have something to give him. But what we want to give each other is a new HD TV. And eventually a playstation 3. And Grand Theft Auto 4, when they finally... FINALLY... get it released.
I have visions of breast feeding my newborn with one hand while rapidly thumbing the PS3 control with my other hand, LOL!
Did I mention my husband and I are overgrown kids at heart? :)
Anyway, we are planning on getting the HD TV at some point, and basically giving it to each other as our Anniversary present. :) We just haven't gotten around to finding the best place to get it from.
We were going to go to friends Wedding reception this Saturday. But it's in LA. And this week has been hell. We bowed out of it.
Friday, 9/14:
Husband thankfully opted NOT to torture himself and NOT drive to LA Friday.
I read email this Friday morning from home saying that a coworker's son died in a motorcycle accident. Her son was in his mid to late 20's. He was already having a rough time as he'd spent 2 years taking care of his grandfather and not working. And then, w/o job or health insurance, he'd been diagnosed with cancer. Various people throughout our company donated money to help him get the cancer treatment he needed. But now it doesn't matter: he's gone. I don't know if he was hit by a vehicle, or wiped out on his own, or what.
It just makes me sick at heart. This is the 2nd person who I've known personally, or known the parent of personally, to die by motorcycle. I hate what his mom and dad are currently going through. I find myself mad at God, and that's never a solution to anything. I don't know why God allowed this to happen. I know He wants us to have free will, and that that often means we have free will to do the wrong thing or make mistakes. And that free will is very important. And sometimes God has to let us do stupid or wrong stuff. But it still makes me mad at Him. It just seems like a wasteful death, and, well, I don't understand the reasons for it. I guess this is testing my faith. :P
I've been trying to sell my motorcycle. As a future Mom, it doesn't seem like a good idea to keep the deathtrap. Admittedly, it's not so much that it's a deathtrap. It's that sharing the road with cars is what makes it a deathtrap. Most car drivers seem to be oblivious to the presence of a motorcyclist. They simply DON'T SEE THEM. And a motorcycle just doesn't offer the same protection in an accident that a car does. It just can't. Yeah, you can wear a helmet, wear a protective body suit and boots and gloves. But it's still your body bouncing on the road when it comes down to it.
Ever since I learned how to ride a motorcycle, through a very good group called the Motorcycle Rider Education group, I've realized just how invisible motorcyclists, and bicyclists, are on the road. And suddenly I'm hyper aware of them, and very careful to give them the room they need.
And now, I almost feel like, instead of selling my motorcycle, I should just melt it down for scrap metal!!! I know, stupid... it's because my maternal feelings are more hyper from impending motherhood. I just don't want to find out later that someone died on my bike. :P
So I read about my co-workers dead son. And fed the dogs. Pricked my fingers. Ate breakfast. Pricked my fingers again. Sat down with the dogs for a moment on the floor. And suddenly realized I was exhausted. Pregger hormones kicking in big time. Crawled back into bed for just a few minutes. Woke up and realized it had been longer than a few minutes. :P
I think the pregger hormones, the long week, and the recent bad news about my co-workers dead son hit me really badly. Honestly, I feel like the dead son was the last straw for the f*cking week.
I eventually got to work late and dragged around. I couldn't lift my mood, and it was as if all my energy had been taken away from me.
When I drove home, I broke into tears. And I realize it's because this motorcycle accident makes me afraid of losing my own child!!! I only realized it then... that's when it hit home. I'm afraid of losing him during the pregnancy, or after he's born, or when he's a kid biking around and some idiot hits him with their car, or when he's an adult and something else bad happens. I'm afraid of losing him while I'm still alive.
Someone said that it's wrong to outlive your own children. I get it now.
And I realize I'm mad at God because He might choose to take my baby... either before it's born, or after it's born... anytime through my son's life.
Shit.
Anyway, I cried all the way home, and cried when I got home. Husband came home, and had to talk some sense into me. I mean, yeah, our son could die. But that's life. We can only do so much.
He talked me out of my pregger-hormone-induced crying fit. Well, he helped me talk it through, and do any further crying I needed to do to let go of the stress of this crappy week.
It's Friday. We're not doing ANYTHING this weekend that isn't absolutely necessary. We're just done. Put a fork in us.
This has been a long week. :P
Husband is on couch in pain. Agony, actually, but I didn't realize it was that bad. Really bad cramps in his shoulders. He was trying to use a heating pad to fix it. I later found out they were bad enough to cause him to puke. :P Now that's bad.
I get this phone call from someone I don't recognize. She then explains she's with a close relative of mine, who has been in a car accident. And that my close relative is really rattled, and she really needs me to stay with her.
I pack a few items in my lunchbox, since I really can't be going hungry alot while preggers. Plus after I eat, I then have to prick my fingers. I don't know how long this whole thing is going to take, so...
I ask my husband to please put the groceries away while I'm off, having no idea that his pain is so bad he's going to puke while I'm gone! He mumbles something about sure. He says for me to give him a call if I need him to help. And amazing to me now, he does manage to put the groceries away, after he's finished puking. My husband is awesome.
My close relative... this was her wedding anniversary. She had called her husband, but his hearing is going, and he refuses to get a hearing aid. So the combination of static on her cell phone and his poor hearing meant that he didn't understand what she was asking him to do. So, he didn't come out to help her and/or just be with her. Add the fact that he was suffering from a bad case of the flu, and... yeah.
So I arrive. I talk to the cops. I talk to her. And I find out she accidentally ran a red light in the heart of downtown. The sunlight was in her eyes. She was driving really slowly, thankfully, because that part of town is notorious for having people walking against the light, and bicyclists zipping in and out of traffic.
When she was at the light, she saw a mom and daughter on her right. The daughter was holding the mom's hand. Then she looked away to move through the light, which she thought was green. She didn't see the daughter running ahead of the mom, into the crosswalk.
So yes, my close relative hit the little girl. :P Before you panic, the little girl was ok. The police assured my relative that the little girl was ok, but was being taken to the hospital to get checked on. The little girl was up and walking around after having been hit.
My relative probably only hit her hard enough to knock the poor little girl on her keester.
A ton of people stood in front of my relative's car. My relative tried to park, but the people were blocking her. They thought she was trying to flee the scene! She finally gave up trying to park, left the engine on, and got out of the vehicle. She stumbled forward and yelled that someone needed to call an ambulance, and if the little girl was alright.
The mother of the little girl merely glared at her. I guess I would have done that also, but the relative really hadn't meant to hit the little girl. My relative was very unsteady and shaky -- she has congestive heart failure -- and it took 2 men to carry her to a bench to sit down. And the police and ambulance eventually arrived.
There were two groups at the scene... the group surrounding the mother and child, and the group that was helping out my relative, getting her some cold water to drink. The group around the mother and child were all Mexican. The group around my relative were all white. It was really a shame, but that's exactly how the lines were drawn. :P
By the time I got there, there was a cop on duty, the ambulance had been and left, and the crowds had dispersed. I moved her car to a better parking location as she was in no condition to drive. I got debriefed by the cop and talked and comforted my relative. I heard that the little girl was going to be ok.
I then drove my relative to her home. We agreed that I couldn't drive her husband back to pick up the car, as he had the flu (and I'm nearly 7 months preggers), so the next day I called a cab to pick him up.
Meanwhile, my husband had vomited and put away groceries!
I crawled home, ate dinner, poked my fingers, and collapsed in bed, worrying about the little girl and about the probability that the mother of the little girl was going to sue the pants off my relative. Thankfully my relative has good automobile insurance.
And it bugged me how much the little girl's mom obviously hated my relative... when the whole thing was just a horrible accident. It also bugged me how it became this weird racial thing... group of Mexicans in one corner, group of whites in another. The whole thing was a combination of the worst of human nature and the best, in the sense that both groups were at least taking care of the person involved in the accident: the little girl on one side, my relative on the other.
That night I think I had the Chemistry nightmare. Something about realizing I had final exams and 2 papers due on my Chemistry class. Due the next day. I could remember what one paper was supposed to be about, but not the other. And then I realized I had finals in a bunch of other classes, but wasn't sure what and when they were as my planner just stopped at the day of the Chemistry final. Only I only realized it was both the Chemistry final and the day both papers were due at the same date and time towards the end, when I'd run out of time to write anything. And something about my sister telling me that maybe this whole thing wasn't mean to be? I think I screamed at her. :P
Tuesday, 9/11:
I was sortof calmer about what happened last night. Then, in the afternoon, I get a call from a friend. She needed me to help her out. For reasons I can't go into, I couldn't. She needs something she's not asking for, and until she asks for what she really needs... well... it's a long story. But after hanging up with her, I just felt helpless.
Got home after work. Ironed an outfit for my husband as he thought he would be heading to LA on Thursday, our 9th Wedding anniversary. Just a day trip.
Wednesday, 9/12:
Had an 8am appointment with the dietician. Thankfully, I'm doing pretty well on diet, according to the sugar testing numbers. Phew. But having to get up early enough to feed dogs, prick fingers, feed me... the time to prick my fingers AFTER breakfast coincided with when I was in bumper to bumper traffic, trying to get to my appointment in time. I ended up pricking my fingers in the dietician's office, about 10 minutes late, LOL!
Then work. Dead tired, and with 8+ hours of work, then 7 to 9pm baby class, I was going to be pretty trashed by the end of the day.
It was 11:50am. I was listening to "Blackout", by "Hybrid". I was singing along with it. There's a repeating line in it, "And the lights... go... out..." On the 2nd to last repeat of that line, as I was singing "And the lights... go... out..." -- they did. For 10 seconds.
I paused the song, freaking a little bit. My computer at work is on a UPS, so I hadn't lost any work. But the coincidence was just WEIRD.
I walked around the building, checking the computers that are running stuff I support, to make sure they were ok. Had to log back into one computer that my co-worker uses, and restart some software he runs. But that was about it.
I've had other weird coincidences in my life. Back in the early 90's, I prayed once for help from God to get up in the morning. I was really stressed about a project I was working on at work, and wanted to get in really early to keep working on it. For reasons I'm not sure I understood, I set my alarm for 4:30am.
Alarm goes off. I turn it off and the lights on. "What was I thinking? I can't even log into the network until 7am..." I put my head back on the pillow, leaving the lights on for the moment. At 4:31am, the Northridge earthquake starts.
I AM NOT KIDDING. I have had some weird shit happen in my life. I decided finally that I couldn't blame myself for the earthquake. Maybe it was God showing me that He listens to me, that He's there. And that He just made sure I set the alarm for the correct time, to set the coincidence up.
So, with the stressors occurring in my life recently... admittedly, things that are happening to other people I care about, not to me personally... maybe I needed a reminder of His presence. Hence the coincidence of this weird 10 second blackout.
So, I work until 6:30pm, then drove down to the baby class.
There was a video that was going to show an animation of the cervix opening up prior to birth. Animation. Ok, my husband and I can handle an animation. But then the video moved forward to showing a live birth! And, just for extra gross-out, the placenta coming out.
The entire class was speechless, and a little green. I looked over at my husband, and saw him furiously reading something in his lap rather than looking up to see that incredibly disgusting red blob of a placenta again!
The gal leading the class apologized for the placenta thing... she'd forgotten to forewarn us all. I raised my hand and said something about, "yeah, I thought this was going to be an ANIMATION?!?!?" Everyone laughed.
We leave the class at 9pm. Husband tells me that the LA trip got moved from Thursday to Friday. Now, if you're smart, you will NEVER try to drive to LA (or away from LA) on a Friday. Because THAT'S WHAT EVERYONE ELSE WILL ALSO BE DOING. So he's not quite so keen on making that trip now, understandably, and is considering bowing out.
That night I had a strange dream about the baby again. Once again, he was twins, but not conjoined at least. Both of them were premature, and because of it, had pointy ears?!?!? And they were both in this huge playpen. I noticed that there were some animals in the playpen, including a bird. And in one corner was some bird and animal poo. I got into the playpen with them, with a scrub brush and some clorox, and scrubbed the poo away. And what was really extra weird, the floor wasn't a normal plastic playpen floor, but was a metal mesh floor... like the floor in a bunny hutch!
Thursday, 9/13:
Woke up late. Remembered just before husband left to say "Happy Anniversary!", LOL! Prepared my breakfast. Poked finger. Started eating while soaking dog food. Poked finger 10 minutes early to drive to see ObGyn. Weee!
Then worked the rest of the day. For some reason, towards the end of the day, started to feel a little nauseated. Came home.
Husband cooked bacon and sausages for me. And wished me a Happy Anniversary, LOL! Whereupon I was like, "Oh, yeah! That's what I forgot for this evening!", LOL! I have a card, but it's mushy, not funny. It says what I mean, but my husband doesn't like cards, and I really wanted to have something to give him. But what we want to give each other is a new HD TV. And eventually a playstation 3. And Grand Theft Auto 4, when they finally... FINALLY... get it released.
I have visions of breast feeding my newborn with one hand while rapidly thumbing the PS3 control with my other hand, LOL!
Did I mention my husband and I are overgrown kids at heart? :)
Anyway, we are planning on getting the HD TV at some point, and basically giving it to each other as our Anniversary present. :) We just haven't gotten around to finding the best place to get it from.
We were going to go to friends Wedding reception this Saturday. But it's in LA. And this week has been hell. We bowed out of it.
Friday, 9/14:
Husband thankfully opted NOT to torture himself and NOT drive to LA Friday.
I read email this Friday morning from home saying that a coworker's son died in a motorcycle accident. Her son was in his mid to late 20's. He was already having a rough time as he'd spent 2 years taking care of his grandfather and not working. And then, w/o job or health insurance, he'd been diagnosed with cancer. Various people throughout our company donated money to help him get the cancer treatment he needed. But now it doesn't matter: he's gone. I don't know if he was hit by a vehicle, or wiped out on his own, or what.
It just makes me sick at heart. This is the 2nd person who I've known personally, or known the parent of personally, to die by motorcycle. I hate what his mom and dad are currently going through. I find myself mad at God, and that's never a solution to anything. I don't know why God allowed this to happen. I know He wants us to have free will, and that that often means we have free will to do the wrong thing or make mistakes. And that free will is very important. And sometimes God has to let us do stupid or wrong stuff. But it still makes me mad at Him. It just seems like a wasteful death, and, well, I don't understand the reasons for it. I guess this is testing my faith. :P
I've been trying to sell my motorcycle. As a future Mom, it doesn't seem like a good idea to keep the deathtrap. Admittedly, it's not so much that it's a deathtrap. It's that sharing the road with cars is what makes it a deathtrap. Most car drivers seem to be oblivious to the presence of a motorcyclist. They simply DON'T SEE THEM. And a motorcycle just doesn't offer the same protection in an accident that a car does. It just can't. Yeah, you can wear a helmet, wear a protective body suit and boots and gloves. But it's still your body bouncing on the road when it comes down to it.
Ever since I learned how to ride a motorcycle, through a very good group called the Motorcycle Rider Education group, I've realized just how invisible motorcyclists, and bicyclists, are on the road. And suddenly I'm hyper aware of them, and very careful to give them the room they need.
And now, I almost feel like, instead of selling my motorcycle, I should just melt it down for scrap metal!!! I know, stupid... it's because my maternal feelings are more hyper from impending motherhood. I just don't want to find out later that someone died on my bike. :P
So I read about my co-workers dead son. And fed the dogs. Pricked my fingers. Ate breakfast. Pricked my fingers again. Sat down with the dogs for a moment on the floor. And suddenly realized I was exhausted. Pregger hormones kicking in big time. Crawled back into bed for just a few minutes. Woke up and realized it had been longer than a few minutes. :P
I think the pregger hormones, the long week, and the recent bad news about my co-workers dead son hit me really badly. Honestly, I feel like the dead son was the last straw for the f*cking week.
I eventually got to work late and dragged around. I couldn't lift my mood, and it was as if all my energy had been taken away from me.
When I drove home, I broke into tears. And I realize it's because this motorcycle accident makes me afraid of losing my own child!!! I only realized it then... that's when it hit home. I'm afraid of losing him during the pregnancy, or after he's born, or when he's a kid biking around and some idiot hits him with their car, or when he's an adult and something else bad happens. I'm afraid of losing him while I'm still alive.
Someone said that it's wrong to outlive your own children. I get it now.
And I realize I'm mad at God because He might choose to take my baby... either before it's born, or after it's born... anytime through my son's life.
Shit.
Anyway, I cried all the way home, and cried when I got home. Husband came home, and had to talk some sense into me. I mean, yeah, our son could die. But that's life. We can only do so much.
He talked me out of my pregger-hormone-induced crying fit. Well, he helped me talk it through, and do any further crying I needed to do to let go of the stress of this crappy week.
It's Friday. We're not doing ANYTHING this weekend that isn't absolutely necessary. We're just done. Put a fork in us.
This has been a long week. :P
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Must be trying to keep us busy...
So, the prior week was pretty hectic.
This current week has just been way worse, but let's start on the prior week first, LOL!
I mentioned I have Gestational Diabetes. I hadn't thought I would have to poke my fingers, just that I'd be on a weird diet. Well, I get the weird diet, and finger-pricking 4 times a day!
And with the Gestational Diabetes, I have had 3 extra doctor appointments added for this month. That and the ObGyn appointments are now once every 2 weeks. And the baby classes started on 9/5/2007 from 7pm to 9pm every Wednesday night.
As I said, maybe they're just trying to keep us pregger people really busy, LOL!
Tuesday, 9/4/07, after going over the initial diet I'd be on, the poor nurse got me all setup to use the device. She showed me what to do. Then it was time for me to poke myself, and I started to hyperventilate! She tried to calm me down. And she tried to get me to let her pinch me, because it hurts less than a pinch. I know all that, but come on! We're dealing with an unreasonable phobia here, LOL!
She told me to just push the needle springy thing against my finger w/o actually pressing the trigger. To think of it as a little kiss from my baby. I told her I did NOT want to associate needles with my sweet newborn! :)
I got ready to do it. I mentioned that I wished I had something to bite down on. She said, "Well, don't bite me!" I laughed. I hyperventilated some more. Then I finally did it. She didn't think I'd made a big enough hole, and was about to advise me to put the spring on a higher tension setting, when I squeezed my finger and said, "nope, we've got plenty of blood here!!!", LOL!
She told me that she'd feel sorry for me but she has patients who are 3 years old who have to poke themselves 4 times a day! I explained I'd had a bad experience when I was a kid, but I also felt total sympathy for those poor little kids! And I knew I was being silly, but it was hard to fight the phobia.
She was worried I wouldn't be able to do this on my own, might need some more counseling or something. I told her it would be ok, for my newborn, I could do it.
And sure enough, later that day, I successfully poked myself in the finger after dinner. And successfully did it again 5 times the next day, as at one point, I felt a little weird, and wondered if it was low blood sugar? [It seemed to be... eating definitely helped.] So actually voluntarily poked myself one extra time.
I have a bit of a problem with a mild form of self-injury. I chew on the inside of the lower left side of my lip. And if I find a bug bite or pimple, I scratch it off. Then, if I have a scab, I scratch that off, too. So it sometimes looks like it's taking forever to heal a bug bite or something on me. It's a really bad habit, but there it is. At least I don't bite my nails.
So am now wondering if I can focus my self-injury thing into the finger-pricking thing. "Wow, really feel like biting my lower lip or scratching a major scar into my arm. Oh, wait! It's time to check my blood sugar!!!" Well, we'll see. :)
Tuesday night (9/4/07) I was exhausted, but had to go grocery shopping after work. Needed to pick up the items on my new diet, plus we were low on stuff anyway. AND, needed to get some nice one-person micro-wave dinners for my husband, so he doesn't starve to death while I'm on my weird diet.
Woke up late Wednesday (9/5/07) morning. [Ok, ok, I always wake up late, and being preggers isn't improving that trend any.] I had an appointment with my shrink in the morning. I fed the dogs, tested my fasting blood sugar, then tried to whip together something very quickly for breakfast. Made myself coffee, made some oatmeal with flax-seed added in, plus unsalted nuts, plus half-and-half, plus cinnamon. Added cinnamon to the coffee as well. [This was all per my diet. The coffee was black except for a little half-and-half.]
Started the 1 hour timer from my first bite. But couldn't hurry eating the oatmeal... it was too hot! Scarfed my coffee, ate a couple more bites, and hit the shower. Jumped out of the shower, and ate maybe 5 more bites while getting ready. Let dogs out. Worried that I hadn't eaten enough... TOOK BOWL OF OATMEAL WITH ME IN THE CAR!
I was eating oatmeal at every stoplight, and whenever the traffic seemed reasonable. I ended up with spilled oatmeal on my pants, and on my passenger seat. Oops.
I sat down to wait for my shrink to see me. He was running late. Of course, he came out right when I needed to do my 1-hour-from-first-bite sugar-checking. I screwed up, didn't get enough blood out. My shrink came out, touching the bloody strip in order to pull it out and help me put in a new strip! I was totally grossed out, and told him that, but that I also didn't have any blood-borne diseases as far as I knew. But yuck, yuck, yuck!
His son has diabetes and has to do this every day. He's made a point of keeping his son's life as normal as possible, i.e., it's not looked at like it's this big thing. I really like my shrink. :)
Anyway, I ate too much oatmeal. I didn't check the portion correctly. I think my score was either 174 or 179... REALLY bad. I had the portions for the rest of the day dialed in much better. I think I got a 122 and a 121. Haven't seen numbers that high since my portion mistake. Well, except for hitting 131 after having some corn with a meal. Guess no corn for me. ;)
Wednesday (9/5/07) night I had my baby class at the downtown hospital. Husband showed up just after me, even though he had had a head start on me. And here's where the fun started.
First of all the video's showing how to cope with the pain cracked me up. The women were all doing this kindof disturbing low-level moaning. No screaming... nothing that feels more real. The low-tone moaning is supposed to make it easier to handle the pain. And the fathers!!! They were all very sincere, very sweet... and that was cool. But none of them were trying to crack any jokes, trying to make their wife laugh! It was very weird, but I realized after watching it that maybe these people were trying to keep their cool and not do anything like joking around due to thinking it would be inappropriate in the video.
Now, meanwhile, during the entire class, my husband is leaning over and teasing me almost non-stop. I'm fighting to laugh quietly each time he does this! At one point he said he was going to work hard to get a Trunk Monkey into the delivery room with us! I gave him a dirty look (with a grin) and punched him lightly in the arm.
Then, during the breathing exercises, he leans over and says "Slide". I had to sock him again!
"Slide" is from the movie "Fight Club". And that's really all I can tell you about that movie, because if you haven't seen it, I absolutely will NOT spoil it for you. Yes, it's that good. But it's pretty sick and twisted, and don't watch it with kids in the room.
Anyway, needless to say, I think I'd rather have my husband with me, cracking jokes, than him being super serious the entire time, LOL!
I forgot to add another nightmare to my list of nightmares in the last post: loss of teeth. Feeling them crumble around my tongue, as I move my tongue over them. *shudder*
And a NEW worst nightmare, which I had the prior week: My unborn son is really twins, conjoined at the head. My belly was extended way out. I was walking up some stairs, holding my belly with my hands. I dropped it, felt my belly hit one of the steps. Could see inside, like my belly was translucent, and realized I actually had twins, and the poor things had been dropped on their skulls. [Which again, they were sharing part of their skull.] But I realize they hadn't been hurt from the fall. Whew!
Then one of them, one who looks a little better formed, says, "Mommy, what are we going to do? We're attached at the head!"
I looked at them a little panicked, and responded, "It's ok, L, and baby I don't have a name for yet. We'll figure something out."
And then I woke up. Yeah, trippy.
Ok, the post for this CURRENT week is going to be a whopper, but I needed to get this one out, first! Sigh.
This current week has just been way worse, but let's start on the prior week first, LOL!
I mentioned I have Gestational Diabetes. I hadn't thought I would have to poke my fingers, just that I'd be on a weird diet. Well, I get the weird diet, and finger-pricking 4 times a day!
And with the Gestational Diabetes, I have had 3 extra doctor appointments added for this month. That and the ObGyn appointments are now once every 2 weeks. And the baby classes started on 9/5/2007 from 7pm to 9pm every Wednesday night.
As I said, maybe they're just trying to keep us pregger people really busy, LOL!
Tuesday, 9/4/07, after going over the initial diet I'd be on, the poor nurse got me all setup to use the device. She showed me what to do. Then it was time for me to poke myself, and I started to hyperventilate! She tried to calm me down. And she tried to get me to let her pinch me, because it hurts less than a pinch. I know all that, but come on! We're dealing with an unreasonable phobia here, LOL!
She told me to just push the needle springy thing against my finger w/o actually pressing the trigger. To think of it as a little kiss from my baby. I told her I did NOT want to associate needles with my sweet newborn! :)
I got ready to do it. I mentioned that I wished I had something to bite down on. She said, "Well, don't bite me!" I laughed. I hyperventilated some more. Then I finally did it. She didn't think I'd made a big enough hole, and was about to advise me to put the spring on a higher tension setting, when I squeezed my finger and said, "nope, we've got plenty of blood here!!!", LOL!
She told me that she'd feel sorry for me but she has patients who are 3 years old who have to poke themselves 4 times a day! I explained I'd had a bad experience when I was a kid, but I also felt total sympathy for those poor little kids! And I knew I was being silly, but it was hard to fight the phobia.
She was worried I wouldn't be able to do this on my own, might need some more counseling or something. I told her it would be ok, for my newborn, I could do it.
And sure enough, later that day, I successfully poked myself in the finger after dinner. And successfully did it again 5 times the next day, as at one point, I felt a little weird, and wondered if it was low blood sugar? [It seemed to be... eating definitely helped.] So actually voluntarily poked myself one extra time.
I have a bit of a problem with a mild form of self-injury. I chew on the inside of the lower left side of my lip. And if I find a bug bite or pimple, I scratch it off. Then, if I have a scab, I scratch that off, too. So it sometimes looks like it's taking forever to heal a bug bite or something on me. It's a really bad habit, but there it is. At least I don't bite my nails.
So am now wondering if I can focus my self-injury thing into the finger-pricking thing. "Wow, really feel like biting my lower lip or scratching a major scar into my arm. Oh, wait! It's time to check my blood sugar!!!" Well, we'll see. :)
Tuesday night (9/4/07) I was exhausted, but had to go grocery shopping after work. Needed to pick up the items on my new diet, plus we were low on stuff anyway. AND, needed to get some nice one-person micro-wave dinners for my husband, so he doesn't starve to death while I'm on my weird diet.
Woke up late Wednesday (9/5/07) morning. [Ok, ok, I always wake up late, and being preggers isn't improving that trend any.] I had an appointment with my shrink in the morning. I fed the dogs, tested my fasting blood sugar, then tried to whip together something very quickly for breakfast. Made myself coffee, made some oatmeal with flax-seed added in, plus unsalted nuts, plus half-and-half, plus cinnamon. Added cinnamon to the coffee as well. [This was all per my diet. The coffee was black except for a little half-and-half.]
Started the 1 hour timer from my first bite. But couldn't hurry eating the oatmeal... it was too hot! Scarfed my coffee, ate a couple more bites, and hit the shower. Jumped out of the shower, and ate maybe 5 more bites while getting ready. Let dogs out. Worried that I hadn't eaten enough... TOOK BOWL OF OATMEAL WITH ME IN THE CAR!
I was eating oatmeal at every stoplight, and whenever the traffic seemed reasonable. I ended up with spilled oatmeal on my pants, and on my passenger seat. Oops.
I sat down to wait for my shrink to see me. He was running late. Of course, he came out right when I needed to do my 1-hour-from-first-bite sugar-checking. I screwed up, didn't get enough blood out. My shrink came out, touching the bloody strip in order to pull it out and help me put in a new strip! I was totally grossed out, and told him that, but that I also didn't have any blood-borne diseases as far as I knew. But yuck, yuck, yuck!
His son has diabetes and has to do this every day. He's made a point of keeping his son's life as normal as possible, i.e., it's not looked at like it's this big thing. I really like my shrink. :)
Anyway, I ate too much oatmeal. I didn't check the portion correctly. I think my score was either 174 or 179... REALLY bad. I had the portions for the rest of the day dialed in much better. I think I got a 122 and a 121. Haven't seen numbers that high since my portion mistake. Well, except for hitting 131 after having some corn with a meal. Guess no corn for me. ;)
Wednesday (9/5/07) night I had my baby class at the downtown hospital. Husband showed up just after me, even though he had had a head start on me. And here's where the fun started.
First of all the video's showing how to cope with the pain cracked me up. The women were all doing this kindof disturbing low-level moaning. No screaming... nothing that feels more real. The low-tone moaning is supposed to make it easier to handle the pain. And the fathers!!! They were all very sincere, very sweet... and that was cool. But none of them were trying to crack any jokes, trying to make their wife laugh! It was very weird, but I realized after watching it that maybe these people were trying to keep their cool and not do anything like joking around due to thinking it would be inappropriate in the video.
Now, meanwhile, during the entire class, my husband is leaning over and teasing me almost non-stop. I'm fighting to laugh quietly each time he does this! At one point he said he was going to work hard to get a Trunk Monkey into the delivery room with us! I gave him a dirty look (with a grin) and punched him lightly in the arm.
Then, during the breathing exercises, he leans over and says "Slide". I had to sock him again!
"Slide" is from the movie "Fight Club". And that's really all I can tell you about that movie, because if you haven't seen it, I absolutely will NOT spoil it for you. Yes, it's that good. But it's pretty sick and twisted, and don't watch it with kids in the room.
Anyway, needless to say, I think I'd rather have my husband with me, cracking jokes, than him being super serious the entire time, LOL!
I forgot to add another nightmare to my list of nightmares in the last post: loss of teeth. Feeling them crumble around my tongue, as I move my tongue over them. *shudder*
And a NEW worst nightmare, which I had the prior week: My unborn son is really twins, conjoined at the head. My belly was extended way out. I was walking up some stairs, holding my belly with my hands. I dropped it, felt my belly hit one of the steps. Could see inside, like my belly was translucent, and realized I actually had twins, and the poor things had been dropped on their skulls. [Which again, they were sharing part of their skull.] But I realize they hadn't been hurt from the fall. Whew!
Then one of them, one who looks a little better formed, says, "Mommy, what are we going to do? We're attached at the head!"
I looked at them a little panicked, and responded, "It's ok, L, and baby I don't have a name for yet. We'll figure something out."
And then I woke up. Yeah, trippy.
Ok, the post for this CURRENT week is going to be a whopper, but I needed to get this one out, first! Sigh.
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