Friday, October 21, 2005

My Dark Side

So, my husband and I were greatly amused by how many women have the hots for Darth Vader. And yes, I'm one of them.

I have my own weird reasons for thinking the dude is cool. But I had no idea, until the internet came into existence, that I was definitely not alone. Well, I had a little bit of a clue from reading a book on the making of Return of the Jedi, when I was a teenager, and reading the part the said that even Darth Vader got fan mail, and it was mostly from hot-and-bothered women!

Well, I can definitely understand the attraction, but I don't get the whole writing fan mail to a person who doesn't really exist! Who were they expecting to open the mail? James Earl Jones? George Lucas? Dave Prowse? Sebastian Shaw???

I mean, this was way before they got Hayden Christensen to play Anakin/Vader for 2 of the 6 movies. I could see girls writing fan mail to Hayden... that makes sense. But directly addressed to "Darth Vader"?

Anyway, I do get the attraction. The whole "tall, dark, and evil" thing, the whole 'I don't take shit from no-body' attitude, the dark sarcasm, the frightening presence. I just got a big kick out of his character in the Star Wars flicks. His whole quiet, dignified machismo... yeah, totally cool. Totally not someone you would REALLY want a relationship with, but very sexy in a weird -- VERY weird -- way.

Anyway, my husband and I have been joking: we think there's a market for various Vader-related sex toys. Vader dildo's, Vader vibrators. I can't help but think that a Vader "real doll", with a fully modifiable, 'er, private region, would be a big deal. Maybe with some pre-programmed things he could say. "You don't know the power of the Dark Side." "I find your lack of faith disturbing." "As you wish." "What is thy bidding, my Master?"

I'm sure, of course, that Lucasfilm would have some BIG copyright issues... ;) [Not to mention other problems with the whole idea...]

I can't quite see real dolls where Vader is helmet-less. He sortof loses the whole "big bad dude" feeling w/o the helmet... plus his burn-scarred face just isn't attractive. (No offense Mr. Sebastian Shaw...) But then again, maybe I'm just not in tune with the **TRUE** die-hard Vader fetishists out there!

So, my husband has teasingly offered to wear a Vader helmet during sex. I have briefly considered it, but am afraid something inside my brain might just go "crack", and that would be all she wrote... There's fantasy, and there's taking the fantasy a bit too far.

Some fantasies just aren't a good idea to truly act out.

I may not be playing with a full deck and/or all my marbles, but I have enough of them handy to know what would send me over the edge... taking me from having a screw loose to having my screws completely stripped of their grooves. :P Yeah, I think that would do it.

I have to wonder about people who have taken their fantasies too far. Did they crack afterwards? Did they even know they'd cracked afterwards?

I have to also wonder about when my husband and I have kids, what they are going to think about my whole Vader thing?

"Mom, which character was your favorite in the Star Wars series?"
"Darth Vader".
"Oh, you mean Anakin Skywalker before he turned bad?"
"Uhm... no, Darth Vader".

"Mom, which character in the Star Wars series did you have a crush on?"
"Uhm, Han Solo to a certain extent, but mostly Darth Vader." ????????

Must. Delete. BLOG. Once. Have. Children.

And. They. Learn. How. To. Read.

Heh. Man, the things my Mom finally, uhm, confessed to me... things that I, when I was a child, I wasn't supposed to know. The things my Mom didn't want me to know even as an adult, but felt compelled to tell me so I didn't make the same mistakes... Maybe my silly fetish is pretty light in comparison!

[Course, I haven't even mentioned my vampire fetish... shoot, that's worth several blog posts alone.]

We don't have kids yet. We currently just have dogs. It's pretty hard to shock or mess with dogs minds with weird confessions.

"Ellie, did you know that your 'Dad' and I had sex before marriage?"
"No, really! I don't believe in doing that, but I caved... he didn't cajole me into it, I caved to my own desires."
"And did you know that I have had a Darth Vader fetish since I was a teenager?"
"Worooof oofhh."
"Yep. Your 'Mom' is just a total weirdo."
"Woo woof." Paw.
"Do you want a cookie?"

Having that conversation with a teenager... it just feels like it would go down differently.


Then again, it's probably the case that our kids are going to have things that they will feel like they can never tell us. Sexual exploits that they would both think would weird us out, plus they wouldn't want to talk to us about anyway... hey, we're their parents! You don't talk to your parents about your sexual exploits! It's just not done.

The things I could tell my parents. Whoa.

Shoot, they don't even know about my whole Vader thing, other than he was my favorite Star Wars character.

Well.... maybe my Mom has a bit of a clue. :)

So.... fantasies, guys. What fantasies have you guys had that you realize, if you ever truly acted out, would be pretty psychologically damaging?

What secrets do you have that you think would make your parent's heads spin?

What secrets did your parents tell you that initially made your head spin?

Well, I guess I'll talk a little about the Vampire thing...

I think both the Vampire thing and the Vader thing were both sparked by being sexually repressed, and having just a major guilt complex. Growing up, the idea of having fantasies about guys... guys I knew, or guys in movies, etc... it just felt wrong. It felt like I was forcing that guy to have sex with me in my head. I.E., like if the guy really knew that I was having fantasies about him, maybe he would be offended. I guess I felt like it was equivalent of having sex with someone without their permission. Almost rape, but they never know about it.

Yeah, I know. I'm weird.

So anytime I tried to have a fantasy about a boy I knew, or an actor, etc., I felt guilty about it.

And I was totally into the whole Vampire thing, and the whole Beauty and the Beast thing.

It wasn't long that I somehow started having Vader fantasies. The guilt wasn't as bad... Vader wasn't even real. So, although it was still a sin, and also a really weird thing to do, it still wasn't "as bad" as having a fantasy about a real person. And even if I thought of Vader as a real person... well, maybe because of how evil he was, the fact that I might be forcing him to have sex in my head... well, it's kindof hard to feel sorry for him.

And ironically having a fantasy about a character that an actor played... couldn't do it. It was too much like imagining sex with that actor.

So faceless Vader got most of my attention.

The Vampires were just more of my sexual repression coming out. In order to keep from killing the object of their love, they often have to hold themselves back from any sexual release. In many genres, it's just too hard for a Vampire to stop drinking their loved-one's blood in time to keep from killing them. Well, this totally spoke to me, since I was horribly horny and intending to remain celibate until marriage.

Anyway, I still think Vampires are cool. I have a pair of fangs I got specially made for my eye-teeth when I went to LosCon 21, in Burbank. And I have a Vader helmet.

I've been a Vampire for Halloween. I've been Vader. And I've been Snoopy.

And before you ask, NO, I have never had sexual fantasies about Snoopy!!!! I loved Peanuts and Snoopy long before I knew what sex was.

So, there you have it. Sexual repression and the weird things it can lead to. :)

1 comment:

Alex said...

When you have teenagers, they'll just be like "Muu-uuuum!!! Don't want to KNOW!!!"
Believe me, we teens prefer to leave those kind of things firmly in the category of things-I-will-never-even-think-about. :)