Mantra to say after talking to my mother

"I will not break this phone.  I will not break this phone.  I will not break this phone.  I will not break this phone...."


Due to her stroke, she has aphasia.  This means she often swaps words... either the words she says, or the words she hears.  Basically, her speaking interface is kinda broken, like a broken Star Trek translator.

And she thinks with the emotional side of her brain, since it was the logical side that had the stroke.  And that's also the highly suspicious part of her brain, and resentful, and basically uncooperative side of her brain.  And aggravating side of her brain.  And...

I have broken the work phone handset by hanging up on her, and then lifting the handset back up and pounding it, oh, about 4 times on my desk.  For some bizarre reason, although other people could hear my speak, I had to turn up the phone volume to max to hear other people.  Hmmm.  Very strange.  As if I had done something outside the normal working parameters of the phone.  What, you mean I'm not supposed to expect the phone to work after heartily pounding it on my desk?

After another phone call, I destroyed the hearing-side of one of our cordless home phones, as well as it's crystal display.  The only way to answer phone calls with that phone was to answer it then put it in speaker mode.

We've got people who asked to come over today.  2 or 3 of the same people were there yesterday.  I called my Mom to let her know, and make sure the time was ok.

Mom: "They were already here today."

Me: "What?  No, you mean yesterday,"

Mom: "Yes, they were here today."

Me: "They were here this morning??"

Mom: "Well, there were 2... 2... 3 people here..."

Me: "Mom, what TIME this morning were they here?"

Mom, after consulting with her caregiver:"10."

Me: "Mom, that's impossible because it's 9:45am!"

Mom: "They were here today!"

Me: "Mom, let me talk to your caregiver."

Mom: "You don't believe me?  Well, shit, son of a bitch, here!"

Talked to caregiver, confirmed those same people had been there YESTERDAY.

Talked to mom again.

Mom: "You didn't believe me..."

Me: "No, Mom, I did believe you.  It's just you were using the wrong word.  You meant 'Yesterday', and you kept saying 'Today'."

Mom: "Oh.  Well, you know I can't make sense."

Me: "Yes, I know.  Anyway, the same people will be there again at 3:30pm."

Mom: "Oh, that's ok.  Thank you for letting me know."

Me: "You're welcome."  Click.

I will not break this phone.  I will not break this phone.  This is a new phone to replace the phone I broke.  I will not break this phone... I will REALLY NOT break this phone....