Wednesday, January 31, 2007


OCD is firing pretty hard today. Ghrrrrr...

I went to Orchard Supply Hardware to pick up some of those cool, high-lumen/low-wattage light bulbs. We're already using them all over the house, and I wanted to use them in 2 lamps in my shared office at work.

So, 2 light bulbs in hand, (looking mysteriously like curly fries to my weird brain), I happen to wander by the gardening area.

Ooooh. Sharp objects. Shears. Things that can destroy those plants that fight me in the yard. Like that evil, really thick bushy weed-monster that I had to fight when removing/trimming back the plant life against the house, in preparation for the great Termite Tenting of 2007.

I browsed everything, and came to the object that most closely resembled what I had deeply wished I'd had during my former battle with the bush:

A machete.

I'd wished I'd had a light-saber at the time of the great battle. But a machete... PERFECT.

In case I had to do battle with another future fiendish foliage, I grabbed a machete and, foaming at the mouth with glee, headed for the cash register.

Then the OCD hit. Ok, and then the OCD, already high today, made itself more obviously apparent:

I'm standing in line at the register... holding a very dangerous instrument... the sort of thing that people are often known to use to murder their spouses.

Whereupon I'm confronted by two lovely and ridiculous OCD thought-threads:
1. What if I go crazy and kill my husband with this machete???? Maybe I shouldn't get it...
2. What if everyone here thinks I'm only getting this machete to do something evil, like kill my husband?

I explain to the cashier, in strange detail, that I'm getting this machete in case I have yet another gargantuan garden growth to fight in the future, like the one I most recently fought. The one I fought stupidly, with lots of sharp but inadequate objects, and lots of brute force, instead of using the smarter tool known as the chain-saw. Which, yes, we have one of.

The cashier is amused by the tale. Nevertheless, I can't help but feel, as I'm walking to the car, that she's just thinking: "Wow, what an elaborate cover-up story to keep me from believing that she's killing her husband later."


Radioactive Jam said...

Now I want to write a machete-centric post just so I can add the corresponding label. Also I want a machete.

Sith Snoopy said...

Machete's are definitely wonderful for spouse, 'er, I mean bush removal. ;)

My husband laughed over the whole thing, but did immediately say that my bringing it home made him a little nervous, LOL!

I offered to put it in his parent's safe, but he said, "how do I know that you didn't purchase 2 of them, so you then 'show me' one in the safe while you hide one elsewhere?"

Whereupon I threw up my hands and we both laughed.

[And I think he slept that night with one eye open. ;) ]

Euphoria said...

I bought a machete a couple of months ago and it won't cut a thing, dammit.

I hope yours is sharp!

Sith Snoopy said...

Mine is sharp, but I'm finding it's not good for anything but VERY thin branches, or leaves, etc.

It doesn't have the mass behind it that it needs to do any serious cutting.

The axe has the necessary mass, but you can only cut a small amount at a time.

Damn. Guess I need a bush-hacking broadsword, LOL!

Sorry your machete isn't very sharp.