Or maybe a few movies.
My life has been too stressful. So instead, let's discuss some really good and really bad movies to watch and to not watch, respectively.
First of all, if things are so bad that you need something horrific to watch in order to deal, especially in order to work through some anger, I highly recommend the following movie:
"The Descent"
It has gotten me through a great deal of stress. It is very depressing in places, I admit. But the main characters, and how they change into very strong, and yes, violent, people in order to survive... oh, man. When you are very angry at your circumstances, sometimes it is just so nice to see the "victims" in the movie kick some serious asshole butt.
And this is also just one of those perfect movies that does the character building, and gets you all spooked and concerned, even before they pull all the stops out. It's already intense before they even let the monsters come out to play.
It's good horror in the way that Alien is absolutely good horror. It captures you. It has a good plot. It maintains believability. The characters are engaging. Just trust me and watch it, damn it.
"Paranormal Activity"
Excellent movie. Watched it maybe 1 or 2 months ago. Hard to watch in the sense that you want these people to get help, get the priests out and/or move, if it would help. One character treats the experience like an experiment for most of the time. The other one, who has more experience with this sort of thing in her past, is frustratingly mocked by the first character, who has no clue what he's playing with.
Don't watch it when your significant other is away on travel. Or you'll be sleeping with the lights on.
"Paranormal Activity 2"
This was also an excellent movie. But if you are a parent / dog owner and are going through a sensitive time, do NOT watch it. There's nothing explicit, but that feeling of wanting to protect the child or the dog may make it too hard to watch. For me, I ended up sitting there furious at the demon that was harassing the child and the dog. And furious at the father, who had his head in the sand and was refusing to believe anything weird was happening. And furious ... just furious. Probably because my husband is on travel, and I have a toddler and 2 dogs. And I was pissed off at being frightened and then feeling the need to sleep with the lights on, lol. It was VERY hard not to wake up my toddler and make him sleep in bed with me. But hey, he hadn't watched the movie. He was sleeping peacefully, except for a sunburn I stupidly forgot to protect him from. He didn't need me projecting my fear onto him.
So I let him sleep, and prayed alot of prayers to God for protection.
So, yeah, choose wisely when you watch it. And if you are wiser still in realizing that maybe movies that touch on the occult are not a good thing to add to your life, then don't watch it. I both enjoyed the movie, and regret watching it, you know? Not sure God wanted me putting that movie into my memory banks.
Just like you shouldn't consume poison, and you shouldn't drink yourself stupid, there are ideas or memories you shouldn't intentionally put into your head, if you can help it. Heh. Call it "brain poison".
I guess "The Descent" might qualify as brain poison, I don't know. So, take my movie advice with a grain of salt.
"Shaun of the Dead"
Fantastically funny movie. It's so good I don't want to tell you anything and spoil it, lol. Just watch it. Trust me. Probably the best movie to watch if you are down in the dumps but don't feel the need to get some anger out of your system. It's the sort of dark comedy that will leave you feeling ironically better after you've watched it.
If it's brain poison... well... it's got to be one of the less damaging and sweeter ones, lol.
Ok, will come back with more movies that are helping to keep me sane, or less insane. And the occasional one that will hurt more than help.
Anyway, yes, I'm still here. Just having a hard time keeping my head above water. As usual. ;)
Wednesday, July 06, 2011
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Where am I, and why am I strapped to the bed??
Hi everyone. Sorry for being non-responsive. Not sure where to start.
Mom is getting better (for those who haven't heard, she had a stroke on December 8th)
Dad is wiped out
Logan is getting over a cold. Now I have the cold.
My husband sortof has it.
I need to finish de-cluttering my parent's place in preparation for when Mom goes home. I have been paying my folk's bills (with their money, not mine) as Mom was the one who handled all of that, but Dad isn't up to it. He's still working, and that's keeping him going. But it's been a long time since he had to handle bills. And he's stressed out and so tired. And he's 86, of course. Considering everything, he's handling things, and holding up, really well.
Mom wants to come home so bad she can't see straight. She is doing well, but doesn't always realize how many skills she has lost and needs to relearn. She should be able to come home in about 1.5 weeks, and continue the rest of her therapy from home.
I'm currently not on speaking terms with my Sister. That's mostly my fault, but she owes my husband both an "apology" and a "thankyou", and I really need her to give me some space, so I've been happy to just enjoy the silence. She was trying to handle things from her end (Nevada), and she was just one cook too many. And sometimes she can be someone I really don't like. But I still love her.
If she posts the text of the scathing email I sent her, yeah, I really said all of that. Some of it I meant, as there are alot of things she and I haven't dealt with yet, and some of it was me just completely wigging out from the pressure.
Haven't gotten my folks to sign the wills that my Mom had me go online to prepare. A corrected will was sent to my folks place, Dad thought it was junk mail, and tore it up! He put the part with his name in the burn box, and the part w/o in the recycle bin. I was just lucky I found it in both places. I taped it up and photocopied it and Mom's will, and gave them the copies. I'm not sure Mom can sign hers yet (she's re-learning reading, writing, and math), and I think Dad just let the signing of his will go, even though there was a good opportunity a week or so ago, with 2 friends who could have been witnesses. So, all that insane rush for nothing. :P And I hate to have to PUSH him, or her. They are already really pushed. Me too.
Mom's wearing Dad out. I can't convince Mom to let Dad have one day a week off from going to see her. I know she's lonely, but it takes alot of energy to deal with her. He works Wednesday and Thursday evenings for 4 hours each, and Saturday and Sunday mornings thru early afternoon, for 8 hours each. He gets Monday, Tuesday, and Friday off. I just think he should get Friday to SLEEP ALL DAY IF HE WANTS TO, but Mom... well, she misses him so much, and... it's a long story. :P
I'm not sure how much of this was Dad being worn out, how much was Dad being 86, and/or how much of this was maybe Dad forgetting to eat and having low blood sugar, but Dad got confused a couple weeks ago, and after bringing home groceries, managed to lock himself out of their home.
And then he convinced himself that he had left his car/home keys at the grocery store.
Mom had called him, asking him to come see her. I spoke with him too, I think. And in the confusion, when trying to leave the house to go see Mom, he went outside without his keys. And then started walking back to the store to find those keys!
He slipped on some loose gravel as he was exhausted, skinned some skin off his head, and was rescued by some people and taken to the management office of the place they live in. I was called in. I searched Dad's car for the keys (he had left his car door unlocked), and found...
... THE WALLET THAT DAD THOUGHT HE HAD LOST IN THE HOSPITAL CAFETERIA, BACK IN AUGUST, WHEN MOM WAS IN THE HOSPITAL FOR 3 SEPARATE TIMES. It was stuck to the floor under the drivers seat by some candy.
I took it out, peeled the candy off, went inside their home, found Dad's keys where he'd left them, went back outside and drove to the management office. I then drove Dad back to their home, and sat with him and filled out some documentation for the convalescent home Mom was in. [The documentation was just for admitting her, but hadn't been filled in for almost 2 weeks from when she'd arrived at the nursing home. Several family members were afraid it was a trick to make it that she'd be stuck in the nursing home, i.e., admitted for life.]
Mom is now at a more aggressive convalescent home. They spend many more hours per day training her. It's wearing her out, but she needs it before she goes home.
I've just been really drained. I pay their bills, I found a new doctor for them when their doctor announced last minute he was retiring, I "rescue" them from various mistakes age, stress, and exhaustion are causing them to make... As to the bills, I had to do "bill discovery" as Dad was so stressed out he was misplacing the mail. "Hello, electric company? Yes, do you guys have an account with my parents, what do they owe you, and when is it due?" I spent much of last Saturday trying to "find the floor" in their place, decluttering like a mad fool. I would have gone back for more on Sunday, but my stomach had other plans.
I picked up their medical files from the doctor that retired, and paid their final bill with that doctor, and am holding on to the files until they see their new doctor in February.
I stayed home sick today. There was stuff I should have done for my folks, and for us, but I so badly needed to just chill that me and my cold went to bed after my Father-in-Law picked Logan up and I emailed work to let them know I was sick. I stayed there for several hours, in the happy oblivion that is sleep.
*SIGH*
Everytime my cell phone rings, I groan because I'm afraid it's my Mom with another request.
Ok, so other than all of that, everything's great, lol!
Anyway, Mom is going to get to go home soon. I need to hurry up and get her enrolled in Medi-cal. Hoping they qualify, as then someone can come to their house, in between the home-therapists that will visit, and help them out. 'Cause I need to work, and if I try to be there with Mom while Dad is at work on Wednesday and Thursday evenings, I'm going to break into several tiny pieces. I just don't have enough of myself to spread around. Which is pretty impressive considering how fat my ass is.
I also can't deal with taking care of Mom on the weekends while Dad is working. I mean, I'd never see my husband or my son, at that rate.
And really, when Dad is home, Dad can't physically take care of her if she's having problems taking care of herself. Dad can't bathe her. Dad can't lift her if she falls. And I can't quit my job and become her full-time caregiver, anyway. But she could get some help if she qualifies for Medi-cal.
And... and... that's not even everything, lol!
I... have... lost... what... little... mind... I... have... left.
My husband, my toddler, and my job are keeping me sane.
My husband has been incredibly awesome through all of this. And his Dad has been incredibly awesome. I don't know what I would do without those two.
Anyway, that's the current situation.
I'm just glad that Dad is still up to working at his part-time job. It's keeping him alive. And I'm glad Mom will be coming home soon. Although I know it doesn't mean I'm off the hook. Until she can really do math and write checks and read bills, that's still my bailiwick. But Mom's sure that her coming home will make life much easier on me.
Heh.
Heh-heh.
Heh-hah-heh-hah-heh-hah-hah-hah!!!!!!!!
*SIGH*
Ok, where's my Xanax??
Mom is getting better (for those who haven't heard, she had a stroke on December 8th)
Dad is wiped out
Logan is getting over a cold. Now I have the cold.
My husband sortof has it.
I need to finish de-cluttering my parent's place in preparation for when Mom goes home. I have been paying my folk's bills (with their money, not mine) as Mom was the one who handled all of that, but Dad isn't up to it. He's still working, and that's keeping him going. But it's been a long time since he had to handle bills. And he's stressed out and so tired. And he's 86, of course. Considering everything, he's handling things, and holding up, really well.
Mom wants to come home so bad she can't see straight. She is doing well, but doesn't always realize how many skills she has lost and needs to relearn. She should be able to come home in about 1.5 weeks, and continue the rest of her therapy from home.
I'm currently not on speaking terms with my Sister. That's mostly my fault, but she owes my husband both an "apology" and a "thankyou", and I really need her to give me some space, so I've been happy to just enjoy the silence. She was trying to handle things from her end (Nevada), and she was just one cook too many. And sometimes she can be someone I really don't like. But I still love her.
If she posts the text of the scathing email I sent her, yeah, I really said all of that. Some of it I meant, as there are alot of things she and I haven't dealt with yet, and some of it was me just completely wigging out from the pressure.
Haven't gotten my folks to sign the wills that my Mom had me go online to prepare. A corrected will was sent to my folks place, Dad thought it was junk mail, and tore it up! He put the part with his name in the burn box, and the part w/o in the recycle bin. I was just lucky I found it in both places. I taped it up and photocopied it and Mom's will, and gave them the copies. I'm not sure Mom can sign hers yet (she's re-learning reading, writing, and math), and I think Dad just let the signing of his will go, even though there was a good opportunity a week or so ago, with 2 friends who could have been witnesses. So, all that insane rush for nothing. :P And I hate to have to PUSH him, or her. They are already really pushed. Me too.
Mom's wearing Dad out. I can't convince Mom to let Dad have one day a week off from going to see her. I know she's lonely, but it takes alot of energy to deal with her. He works Wednesday and Thursday evenings for 4 hours each, and Saturday and Sunday mornings thru early afternoon, for 8 hours each. He gets Monday, Tuesday, and Friday off. I just think he should get Friday to SLEEP ALL DAY IF HE WANTS TO, but Mom... well, she misses him so much, and... it's a long story. :P
I'm not sure how much of this was Dad being worn out, how much was Dad being 86, and/or how much of this was maybe Dad forgetting to eat and having low blood sugar, but Dad got confused a couple weeks ago, and after bringing home groceries, managed to lock himself out of their home.
And then he convinced himself that he had left his car/home keys at the grocery store.
Mom had called him, asking him to come see her. I spoke with him too, I think. And in the confusion, when trying to leave the house to go see Mom, he went outside without his keys. And then started walking back to the store to find those keys!
He slipped on some loose gravel as he was exhausted, skinned some skin off his head, and was rescued by some people and taken to the management office of the place they live in. I was called in. I searched Dad's car for the keys (he had left his car door unlocked), and found...
... THE WALLET THAT DAD THOUGHT HE HAD LOST IN THE HOSPITAL CAFETERIA, BACK IN AUGUST, WHEN MOM WAS IN THE HOSPITAL FOR 3 SEPARATE TIMES. It was stuck to the floor under the drivers seat by some candy.
I took it out, peeled the candy off, went inside their home, found Dad's keys where he'd left them, went back outside and drove to the management office. I then drove Dad back to their home, and sat with him and filled out some documentation for the convalescent home Mom was in. [The documentation was just for admitting her, but hadn't been filled in for almost 2 weeks from when she'd arrived at the nursing home. Several family members were afraid it was a trick to make it that she'd be stuck in the nursing home, i.e., admitted for life.]
Mom is now at a more aggressive convalescent home. They spend many more hours per day training her. It's wearing her out, but she needs it before she goes home.
I've just been really drained. I pay their bills, I found a new doctor for them when their doctor announced last minute he was retiring, I "rescue" them from various mistakes age, stress, and exhaustion are causing them to make... As to the bills, I had to do "bill discovery" as Dad was so stressed out he was misplacing the mail. "Hello, electric company? Yes, do you guys have an account with my parents, what do they owe you, and when is it due?" I spent much of last Saturday trying to "find the floor" in their place, decluttering like a mad fool. I would have gone back for more on Sunday, but my stomach had other plans.
I picked up their medical files from the doctor that retired, and paid their final bill with that doctor, and am holding on to the files until they see their new doctor in February.
I stayed home sick today. There was stuff I should have done for my folks, and for us, but I so badly needed to just chill that me and my cold went to bed after my Father-in-Law picked Logan up and I emailed work to let them know I was sick. I stayed there for several hours, in the happy oblivion that is sleep.
*SIGH*
Everytime my cell phone rings, I groan because I'm afraid it's my Mom with another request.
Ok, so other than all of that, everything's great, lol!
Anyway, Mom is going to get to go home soon. I need to hurry up and get her enrolled in Medi-cal. Hoping they qualify, as then someone can come to their house, in between the home-therapists that will visit, and help them out. 'Cause I need to work, and if I try to be there with Mom while Dad is at work on Wednesday and Thursday evenings, I'm going to break into several tiny pieces. I just don't have enough of myself to spread around. Which is pretty impressive considering how fat my ass is.
I also can't deal with taking care of Mom on the weekends while Dad is working. I mean, I'd never see my husband or my son, at that rate.
And really, when Dad is home, Dad can't physically take care of her if she's having problems taking care of herself. Dad can't bathe her. Dad can't lift her if she falls. And I can't quit my job and become her full-time caregiver, anyway. But she could get some help if she qualifies for Medi-cal.
And... and... that's not even everything, lol!
I... have... lost... what... little... mind... I... have... left.
My husband, my toddler, and my job are keeping me sane.
My husband has been incredibly awesome through all of this. And his Dad has been incredibly awesome. I don't know what I would do without those two.
Anyway, that's the current situation.
I'm just glad that Dad is still up to working at his part-time job. It's keeping him alive. And I'm glad Mom will be coming home soon. Although I know it doesn't mean I'm off the hook. Until she can really do math and write checks and read bills, that's still my bailiwick. But Mom's sure that her coming home will make life much easier on me.
Heh.
Heh-heh.
Heh-hah-heh-hah-heh-hah-hah-hah!!!!!!!!
*SIGH*
Ok, where's my Xanax??
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
Patio Floor 1, Logan 0
Logan tripped on the rail for the sliding glass door and did a 360 onto the patio floor. :P During his tumbling "experiment", he unfortunately used his nose as a pivot point.
His nose didn't fare so well.
The dot on his forehead isn't part of it... it's just food he rubbed off his hands and onto his forehead.
His nose didn't fare so well.
The dot on his forehead isn't part of it... it's just food he rubbed off his hands and onto his forehead.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Yet Another Fire
So, we had another fire maybe a mile from our house.
The order was reversed from what we've become used to. Normally, fire happens, ash falls on power lines, power goes out. In this case, power line fell, power went out, downed power line caused fire. I don't know what brought the power line down.
I think I've lost count the number of times I've had to feed Logan IN THE DARK, WHEN THERE WAS A FIRE SOMEWHERE NEARBY. And it was strangely hot again, even though it's January. [The Gap Fire was in July. The combination of smoke outside and an unbearably hot house from the heat of the day, and no power to even run fans, was unbearable. The Tea House Fire was in early December, I think, and didn't actually affect us, but of course made us really nervous. And it managed to destroy alot of people's houses. :( ]
Anyway, I'm becoming old hand at feeding Logan and changing Logan in a blackout.
Man, the news sucked for this one. I tried various news channels on the radio, but couldn't get anything about the current power outage or fire. Didn't know if we might have to evacuate, or what the heck was going on. Sat there, changing radio channels, squinting in the dim light of candles and a flashlight as I tried to get the spoon into Logan's mouth.
My husband and I both have headlamps for hiking at night. They have become very useful during these fire-blackouts. My husband, after noting how we've had to feed Logan way too many times during blackouts, that Logan deserved his own headlamp now.
We had a load of work clothes in the dryer, sopping wet. The blackout lasted just long enough for me to think I might need to hang a clothesline in front of the fireplace. But it was back on at 9:30pm in our area (8:30pm across the highway from us)... 2 hours after it had gone off.
So I'm hurriedly getting loads of laundry done. I feel like I'm 2 hours behind on a Sunday night. :P
Just glad I didn't have to bathe Logan by flashlight. :P
Ok, goodnight everyone. Be safe. Godspeed.
Oh, almost forgot. Nothing like a blackout to make you take all your toys and ensure they are in their chargers once the power is back on. ;)
The order was reversed from what we've become used to. Normally, fire happens, ash falls on power lines, power goes out. In this case, power line fell, power went out, downed power line caused fire. I don't know what brought the power line down.
I think I've lost count the number of times I've had to feed Logan IN THE DARK, WHEN THERE WAS A FIRE SOMEWHERE NEARBY. And it was strangely hot again, even though it's January. [The Gap Fire was in July. The combination of smoke outside and an unbearably hot house from the heat of the day, and no power to even run fans, was unbearable. The Tea House Fire was in early December, I think, and didn't actually affect us, but of course made us really nervous. And it managed to destroy alot of people's houses. :( ]
Anyway, I'm becoming old hand at feeding Logan and changing Logan in a blackout.
Man, the news sucked for this one. I tried various news channels on the radio, but couldn't get anything about the current power outage or fire. Didn't know if we might have to evacuate, or what the heck was going on. Sat there, changing radio channels, squinting in the dim light of candles and a flashlight as I tried to get the spoon into Logan's mouth.
My husband and I both have headlamps for hiking at night. They have become very useful during these fire-blackouts. My husband, after noting how we've had to feed Logan way too many times during blackouts, that Logan deserved his own headlamp now.
We had a load of work clothes in the dryer, sopping wet. The blackout lasted just long enough for me to think I might need to hang a clothesline in front of the fireplace. But it was back on at 9:30pm in our area (8:30pm across the highway from us)... 2 hours after it had gone off.
So I'm hurriedly getting loads of laundry done. I feel like I'm 2 hours behind on a Sunday night. :P
Just glad I didn't have to bathe Logan by flashlight. :P
Ok, goodnight everyone. Be safe. Godspeed.
Oh, almost forgot. Nothing like a blackout to make you take all your toys and ensure they are in their chargers once the power is back on. ;)
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
Lessons in Love
My son is sick. And I think I've caught it.
Last week he started having a cough, then a runny nose, then post nasal drip I think. [You try looking into the throat of a stubborn, strong, uncooperative 13 month old. I figure post-nasal drip was involved as he would sniffle while sleeping and then have a coughing fit that sounded to me like some of the snot went down his throat.]
Sunday night he puked up the little bit of formula he was able to drink. Monday morning, I got 4 ounces of formula into the little guy, and he promptly puked that up at the doctor's office. So, the rest of Monday, and all of Tuesday, the poor little guy lived on nothing but Pedialyte.
Monday night he could not get comfortable when I tried to rock him to sleep. He was coughing, dry-heaving, and basically very miserable. He would start to get comfortable, fall asleep for maybe 5 minutes, and then a coughing fit would wake him up. On top of that, with no food in his stomach and trying to drink fluid with a clogged nose, he had swallowed alot of air and was having gas pains which would also wake him up.
If I tried to put him down in his crib when asleep, he would wake up and cry. If I tried to do it when awake, after having had a wrestling match with him in my arms, obviously totally uncomfortable there due to gas pains, he would cry. Either way, he'd want to be picked back up.
I tried explaining to him that there was just no way that I was going to be as comfortable for him as a bed, but all he knew was he felt like crap, was often in pain, and wanted to be held. Even if that meant he was being held in my arms while he flung himself all over the place, as if attempting to get me to drop him.
I started getting angry. Not at him, but at God, and at the virus. I mean he was just a little kid, and he was suffering so much. And the times he got to sleep, he would be asleep for about 3 to 10 minutes, and then wake up. It started to feel like I was being teased! After maybe the 5th time, I was all like, "ah, come on!!!" Again, I wasn't mad at Logan but at the bug that was doing this to him. Or at God, I guess.
I failed the Job test.
Good thing God is forgiving.
I was praying that Logan would get better and be able to sleep. At first it was for his sake, but as I got more and more exhausted, it started selfishly being more for my sake. :P Some mother I am.
Anyway...
Either Tuesday or just today the following hit me: this was nothing. Absolutely nothing. I knew a little 3 year old girl named Katie who has liver cancer, and suffers terribly. I knew that her Sister, Parents, and the rest of her family got very little sleep on the bad nights. And that the bad nights were numerous, due to the illness and the chemo. And, like me, they still had to work in the mornning. Unlike me, they couldn't take days off if they weren't feeling well or felt too tired... like I took Tuesday off as I was exhausted and coming down with Logan's bug. They need all the money they can get to pay for Katie's treatment. I mean, there's no way in hell that if there's a treatment that could save her, that they were going to avoid it because of their budget.
So, I'm a moron. I'm fighting off a bug, Logan is fighting off a bug. But Logan doesn't have cancer, and I can afford to take a day off if I need to... although not too many days off, as Logan and I have both been sick on and off all December. [Ah, December and winter in general: 'tis the season to be sneezing.]
But anyway, this has been a lesson in love. A lesson in humility. A lesson in counting my blessings. A lesson in not feeling so sorry for myself.
Now, if you will excuse me, I need to go cough up a lung.
Oh, I forgot to add one thing. Realizing the mercilessness of the bug Logan was fighting, I started wishing there was some way I could cause it pain. Some way I could find it, it's parents, it's siblings, it's children, and it's friends and other family, and kill them all slowly... with immense pain.
I started to fantasize that once I got to the vomiting stage, maybe I could take the vomit and heat it up over the stove to painfully torture and kill any of the virus that I puked up. Yes, I was starting to get a, uhm, little strange.
Feeling helpless does weird things to you sometimes.
Last week he started having a cough, then a runny nose, then post nasal drip I think. [You try looking into the throat of a stubborn, strong, uncooperative 13 month old. I figure post-nasal drip was involved as he would sniffle while sleeping and then have a coughing fit that sounded to me like some of the snot went down his throat.]
Sunday night he puked up the little bit of formula he was able to drink. Monday morning, I got 4 ounces of formula into the little guy, and he promptly puked that up at the doctor's office. So, the rest of Monday, and all of Tuesday, the poor little guy lived on nothing but Pedialyte.
Monday night he could not get comfortable when I tried to rock him to sleep. He was coughing, dry-heaving, and basically very miserable. He would start to get comfortable, fall asleep for maybe 5 minutes, and then a coughing fit would wake him up. On top of that, with no food in his stomach and trying to drink fluid with a clogged nose, he had swallowed alot of air and was having gas pains which would also wake him up.
If I tried to put him down in his crib when asleep, he would wake up and cry. If I tried to do it when awake, after having had a wrestling match with him in my arms, obviously totally uncomfortable there due to gas pains, he would cry. Either way, he'd want to be picked back up.
I tried explaining to him that there was just no way that I was going to be as comfortable for him as a bed, but all he knew was he felt like crap, was often in pain, and wanted to be held. Even if that meant he was being held in my arms while he flung himself all over the place, as if attempting to get me to drop him.
I started getting angry. Not at him, but at God, and at the virus. I mean he was just a little kid, and he was suffering so much. And the times he got to sleep, he would be asleep for about 3 to 10 minutes, and then wake up. It started to feel like I was being teased! After maybe the 5th time, I was all like, "ah, come on!!!" Again, I wasn't mad at Logan but at the bug that was doing this to him. Or at God, I guess.
I failed the Job test.
Good thing God is forgiving.
I was praying that Logan would get better and be able to sleep. At first it was for his sake, but as I got more and more exhausted, it started selfishly being more for my sake. :P Some mother I am.
Anyway...
Either Tuesday or just today the following hit me: this was nothing. Absolutely nothing. I knew a little 3 year old girl named Katie who has liver cancer, and suffers terribly. I knew that her Sister, Parents, and the rest of her family got very little sleep on the bad nights. And that the bad nights were numerous, due to the illness and the chemo. And, like me, they still had to work in the mornning. Unlike me, they couldn't take days off if they weren't feeling well or felt too tired... like I took Tuesday off as I was exhausted and coming down with Logan's bug. They need all the money they can get to pay for Katie's treatment. I mean, there's no way in hell that if there's a treatment that could save her, that they were going to avoid it because of their budget.
So, I'm a moron. I'm fighting off a bug, Logan is fighting off a bug. But Logan doesn't have cancer, and I can afford to take a day off if I need to... although not too many days off, as Logan and I have both been sick on and off all December. [Ah, December and winter in general: 'tis the season to be sneezing.]
But anyway, this has been a lesson in love. A lesson in humility. A lesson in counting my blessings. A lesson in not feeling so sorry for myself.
Now, if you will excuse me, I need to go cough up a lung.
Oh, I forgot to add one thing. Realizing the mercilessness of the bug Logan was fighting, I started wishing there was some way I could cause it pain. Some way I could find it, it's parents, it's siblings, it's children, and it's friends and other family, and kill them all slowly... with immense pain.
I started to fantasize that once I got to the vomiting stage, maybe I could take the vomit and heat it up over the stove to painfully torture and kill any of the virus that I puked up. Yes, I was starting to get a, uhm, little strange.
Feeling helpless does weird things to you sometimes.
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