My son is sick. And I think I've caught it.
Last week he started having a cough, then a runny nose, then post nasal drip I think. [You try looking into the throat of a stubborn, strong, uncooperative 13 month old. I figure post-nasal drip was involved as he would sniffle while sleeping and then have a coughing fit that sounded to me like some of the snot went down his throat.]
Sunday night he puked up the little bit of formula he was able to drink. Monday morning, I got 4 ounces of formula into the little guy, and he promptly puked that up at the doctor's office. So, the rest of Monday, and all of Tuesday, the poor little guy lived on nothing but Pedialyte.
Monday night he could not get comfortable when I tried to rock him to sleep. He was coughing, dry-heaving, and basically very miserable. He would start to get comfortable, fall asleep for maybe 5 minutes, and then a coughing fit would wake him up. On top of that, with no food in his stomach and trying to drink fluid with a clogged nose, he had swallowed alot of air and was having gas pains which would also wake him up.
If I tried to put him down in his crib when asleep, he would wake up and cry. If I tried to do it when awake, after having had a wrestling match with him in my arms, obviously totally uncomfortable there due to gas pains, he would cry. Either way, he'd want to be picked back up.
I tried explaining to him that there was just no way that I was going to be as comfortable for him as a bed, but all he knew was he felt like crap, was often in pain, and wanted to be held. Even if that meant he was being held in my arms while he flung himself all over the place, as if attempting to get me to drop him.
I started getting angry. Not at him, but at God, and at the virus. I mean he was just a little kid, and he was suffering so much. And the times he got to sleep, he would be asleep for about 3 to 10 minutes, and then wake up. It started to feel like I was being teased! After maybe the 5th time, I was all like, "ah, come on!!!" Again, I wasn't mad at Logan but at the bug that was doing this to him. Or at God, I guess.
I failed the Job test.
Good thing God is forgiving.
I was praying that Logan would get better and be able to sleep. At first it was for his sake, but as I got more and more exhausted, it started selfishly being more for my sake. :P Some mother I am.
Anyway...
Either Tuesday or just today the following hit me: this was nothing. Absolutely nothing. I knew a little 3 year old girl named Katie who has liver cancer, and suffers terribly. I knew that her Sister, Parents, and the rest of her family got very little sleep on the bad nights. And that the bad nights were numerous, due to the illness and the chemo. And, like me, they still had to work in the mornning. Unlike me, they couldn't take days off if they weren't feeling well or felt too tired... like I took Tuesday off as I was exhausted and coming down with Logan's bug. They need all the money they can get to pay for Katie's treatment. I mean, there's no way in hell that if there's a treatment that could save her, that they were going to avoid it because of their budget.
So, I'm a moron. I'm fighting off a bug, Logan is fighting off a bug. But Logan doesn't have cancer, and I can afford to take a day off if I need to... although not too many days off, as Logan and I have both been sick on and off all December. [Ah, December and winter in general: 'tis the season to be sneezing.]
But anyway, this has been a lesson in love. A lesson in humility. A lesson in counting my blessings. A lesson in not feeling so sorry for myself.
Now, if you will excuse me, I need to go cough up a lung.
Oh, I forgot to add one thing. Realizing the mercilessness of the bug Logan was fighting, I started wishing there was some way I could cause it pain. Some way I could find it, it's parents, it's siblings, it's children, and it's friends and other family, and kill them all slowly... with immense pain.
I started to fantasize that once I got to the vomiting stage, maybe I could take the vomit and heat it up over the stove to painfully torture and kill any of the virus that I puked up. Yes, I was starting to get a, uhm, little strange.
Feeling helpless does weird things to you sometimes.
Showing posts with label motherhood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label motherhood. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Should have listened...
Wednesday, January 9th, 2008, I saw my Gestational Diabetes doctor, to see if the blood test I took the prior week indicated I had regular diabetes now that I was no longer pregnant. Thank the Lord, I did NOT.
I will have to get tested for diabetes once a year, at my annual physical, to be sure, however. The fact that I had gestational diabetes means I still need to watch my blood sugars to ensure I don't still get the full blown diabetes later in life.
My diabetes doctor is a real sweetie, and gave me and my hubby a few of her hand-me-down baby equipment, including a car seat and a swing. She's also a Mom, having an adopted son at home.
Before I left, she heard Logan poo. She asked me if I'd like to change him in the examining room.
I should have listened to my gestational diabetes doctor...
I should have changed Logan then and there, when my doctor offered me the opportunity.
But NOOOOOOOO..... I was sure he would "keep" until I was done grocery shopping and got home.
She said that I knew best, as I was the mother, and not to feel guilty if someone else said I was doing something wrong.
Heh. Me, know best?!?
I think his dirty diaper was why he started crying. In Longs. Full blast. Without cease.
I left a cart full of groceries in Longs while I went back outside (with him) to get his bottle and a pacifier.
I got a clue before going back into Longs and went ahead and brought back in his whole diaper bag.
Then I tried to feed him his bottle (pumped breast milk) with one hand while pushing the cart with the other and looking at the shelves. I'd often look back at him and realize the bottle wasn't centered in his mouth, or even in his mouth anymore! Just dripping onto his onesie.
Then he wasn't into the bottle anymore. And the pacifier didn't work. And he wasn't content with his car seat. And holding him in twelve different positions didn't work. And he kept getting heavier.
I looked at the line to the pharmacy, looked at my screaming baby, and headed for the checkout line. Purchased my items as fast as possible, then sat in the back seat of my car trying to breast feed -- I assumed that the bottle hadn't been warm enough... I had tried to warm it in the car using the car vents, with the heater on, when driving to Longs!), giving Logan some colic medicine, and holding him again. He was inconsolable, with maybe a few times he stopped crying.
Husband called my cell, heard the screaming baby over it, and offered to take care of the rest of my chores, LOL! He picked up my meds at the pharmacy, and also took care of some of the groceries I was going to get at Vons.
Wow. This is just NOT easy, LOL! My respect for my own Mom keeps getting higher and higher!!!
Hubby was like, "why didn't you drop him off with your parents or my parents while you went grocery shopping?"
"I don't know... I thought it would be EASY!" :) Doh!!!
When I got home, I changed him, breast fed him, and he passed out, in his swing.
Ok, this motherhood thing isn't as easy as I had thought it would be. ;)
Ok, I didn't think it would be easy. But holy smokes! It's often way harder than I had thought.
I will have to get tested for diabetes once a year, at my annual physical, to be sure, however. The fact that I had gestational diabetes means I still need to watch my blood sugars to ensure I don't still get the full blown diabetes later in life.
My diabetes doctor is a real sweetie, and gave me and my hubby a few of her hand-me-down baby equipment, including a car seat and a swing. She's also a Mom, having an adopted son at home.
Before I left, she heard Logan poo. She asked me if I'd like to change him in the examining room.
I should have listened to my gestational diabetes doctor...
I should have changed Logan then and there, when my doctor offered me the opportunity.
But NOOOOOOOO..... I was sure he would "keep" until I was done grocery shopping and got home.
She said that I knew best, as I was the mother, and not to feel guilty if someone else said I was doing something wrong.
Heh. Me, know best?!?
I think his dirty diaper was why he started crying. In Longs. Full blast. Without cease.
I left a cart full of groceries in Longs while I went back outside (with him) to get his bottle and a pacifier.
I got a clue before going back into Longs and went ahead and brought back in his whole diaper bag.
Then I tried to feed him his bottle (pumped breast milk) with one hand while pushing the cart with the other and looking at the shelves. I'd often look back at him and realize the bottle wasn't centered in his mouth, or even in his mouth anymore! Just dripping onto his onesie.
Then he wasn't into the bottle anymore. And the pacifier didn't work. And he wasn't content with his car seat. And holding him in twelve different positions didn't work. And he kept getting heavier.
I looked at the line to the pharmacy, looked at my screaming baby, and headed for the checkout line. Purchased my items as fast as possible, then sat in the back seat of my car trying to breast feed -- I assumed that the bottle hadn't been warm enough... I had tried to warm it in the car using the car vents, with the heater on, when driving to Longs!), giving Logan some colic medicine, and holding him again. He was inconsolable, with maybe a few times he stopped crying.
Husband called my cell, heard the screaming baby over it, and offered to take care of the rest of my chores, LOL! He picked up my meds at the pharmacy, and also took care of some of the groceries I was going to get at Vons.
Wow. This is just NOT easy, LOL! My respect for my own Mom keeps getting higher and higher!!!
Hubby was like, "why didn't you drop him off with your parents or my parents while you went grocery shopping?"
"I don't know... I thought it would be EASY!" :) Doh!!!
When I got home, I changed him, breast fed him, and he passed out, in his swing.
Ok, this motherhood thing isn't as easy as I had thought it would be. ;)
Ok, I didn't think it would be easy. But holy smokes! It's often way harder than I had thought.
Thursday, January 03, 2008
Mommy's First Day Out Alone
7:15 am:
I am up. Feed baby, burp baby, change baby. Repeat.
8:30 am:
Husband takes shower. Continued feeding/burping/changing, tried to sleep. Heh.
8:45 am:
I take shower.
9:00 am:
Husband cleans and re-packs my c-section wound.
9:20 am:
Feed/water dogs while continuing to feed/burp baby.
10:00 am:
Prep baby bag, purse. Put on maternity bra and clean t-shirt. Feed/burp baby.
10:20 am:
Kick dogs outside. Dry hair. Cuddle fussy baby. Brush teeth. Put on pants.
10:35 am:
Change baby diaper. Logan poops onto the changing table. Manage to chase the runny, newborn, breast-fed poop such that it doesn't coat Logan or his t-shirt. Finish changing him, and sterilize changing table. Put on outside clothes. Re-run bottle sterilizer. Put nipple on bottle of breast milk that was stored in the refrigerator.
10:55 am:
Ignore baby's crying so can run to bathroom and have upset stomach.
11:05 am:
Carry baby (in car seat), baby bag, purse, jacket, and car seat base to car.
11:10 am:
Install car seat base in MY car. For first time. With less than 3 hours sleep. And empty stomach, as was fasting for a blood test. First try to put it behind driver's side because instructions don't say it's ok to put in the middle. Fight with it, curse hands (which still have barely any feeling/strength due to gestationally-induced carpal tunnel syndrome), curse back (which keeps spasming at the odd angles I'm leaning over at while in the back of the car), and finally get a clue. Install son-of-a-b*tch/fraking/piece-of-crap base in middle of back seat, realizing that just because I didn't see that the instructions said I could put it there didn't mean it wasn't allowed. Installed beautifully.
When I later described my fight with the car base, Husband had to add "So easy, even a sleep deprived new Mother can do it". :)
Car starts. Yea! Last person to drive it was Husband on December 4th, when he rescued it for me from one of my doctor's offices. [On December 3rd, I got walked over to the hospital from my doctor's office, and admitted to have induction started.]
I haven't driven a car since December 3rd. Just feeling the steering wheel in my hands again... Happy Sigh. I have my freedom back. :)
11:30 am:
Drive to clinic for BLOOD TEST, which I was FASTING for since midnight.
12:00 pm:
Get blood drawn.
12:15 pm:
Stand in line at clinic to ensure they had current insurance info.
12:25 pm:
Realized that people who would have let me cut ahead in line when I was 8+ months pregnant will NOT do me any favors while trying to carry 10+ pound baby in 5+ pound car seat, plus baby bag plus purse. Logan starts to cry... but is ok once we're driving again.
12:45 pm:
Scarfing McDonald's drive-through while sitting at bank. HUSBAND drives up and parks next to me!!! He saw me 5 cars ahead at McDonald's, and once he got his food, assumed I was headed for the bank, and tracked me down. And got to be very amused hearing about my adventures so far. :) Gave me hug, told me he was proud of me, LOL! Logan thankfully stays asleep.
1:10 pm:
I finish preparing checks for deposit. Drive car around to drive through... and the bloody bank has changed it's drive-thru ATM's. And in the process, has forgotten to fill up the cool new deposit envelope holder. Shit. Drive back around bank, and wake poor Logan up taking car seat out with me to walk-up ATM. Deposit 3 maternity leave checks that I've accumulated, as I haven't had a chance to deposit anything since before I was admitted to the hospital to be induced back on December 3rd.
1:20 pm:
Drive around for a while looking for where the phone store is. [Know it's near the bank.] Ahah! There it is! Oh, crap! Wrong cell provider. Logan's crying.
1:25 pm:
Park. Get into back seat. Try to cuddle Logan. No, he's probably hungry. Give him bottle. Shit! Can't give him cold breast milk, and have no way to warm it up in the car. But why can't you give baby's cold milk? Ok, nevermind... he only got a few swallows. Pull him back out of car seat, and pull out a boob, and start breast feeding.
1:30 pm:
Guy parked to my right walks back with his Subway Sandwiches lunch. And proceeds to eat it there in the car. Whenever I look at him, he's NOT looking at me. Still, I do my best to cover my boob!!!
1:45 pm:
Stop by work with Logan's birth certificate so HR can photocopy it and file it away as proof that I genuinely have a son that warranted adding a name to our insurance. Bring son in as well, LOL! [Talk about physical proof. Although I suppose I could have pulled down my pants and removed the bandage to show off the c-section scar, just so they could be sure.] Hear again how the 8 weeks for c-section + 6 weeks for bonding really is only allowed to total 12 weeks for maternity leave from the date of delivery. Which doesn't agree with what ObGyn said. So maybe I have until mid March, maybe I have until end of February. Still not sure.
Well, 2 weeks more or less... still have all of January and definitely most if not all of February.
Various co-workers get to see Logan and go ooh and aah. :)
Sigh. Logan starts crying again.
2:30 pm:
Arrive at other cell phone store. Purchase new phone to replace the dead one I got wet when I answered it twice in the hospital bathroom, with an ear wet from the shower. Pull Logan out of car seat and hold him when he starts crying again.
Yea! All my phone numbers were stored on the sim card, and it survived the wetting of the cell phone!
3:00 pm:
We're both home. Bring Logan inside, and all the crap from the car. Let dogs in. Clean off hospital germs. Run through bathroom. Remove Logan's outside clothes, change him. Crawl into recliner and feed Logan. Wonder how the hell people do this.
I'd intended to also visit my in-laws, and go grocery shopping. HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH!!!!!
I am up. Feed baby, burp baby, change baby. Repeat.
8:30 am:
Husband takes shower. Continued feeding/burping/changing, tried to sleep. Heh.
8:45 am:
I take shower.
9:00 am:
Husband cleans and re-packs my c-section wound.
9:20 am:
Feed/water dogs while continuing to feed/burp baby.
10:00 am:
Prep baby bag, purse. Put on maternity bra and clean t-shirt. Feed/burp baby.
10:20 am:
Kick dogs outside. Dry hair. Cuddle fussy baby. Brush teeth. Put on pants.
10:35 am:
Change baby diaper. Logan poops onto the changing table. Manage to chase the runny, newborn, breast-fed poop such that it doesn't coat Logan or his t-shirt. Finish changing him, and sterilize changing table. Put on outside clothes. Re-run bottle sterilizer. Put nipple on bottle of breast milk that was stored in the refrigerator.
10:55 am:
Ignore baby's crying so can run to bathroom and have upset stomach.
11:05 am:
Carry baby (in car seat), baby bag, purse, jacket, and car seat base to car.
11:10 am:
Install car seat base in MY car. For first time. With less than 3 hours sleep. And empty stomach, as was fasting for a blood test. First try to put it behind driver's side because instructions don't say it's ok to put in the middle. Fight with it, curse hands (which still have barely any feeling/strength due to gestationally-induced carpal tunnel syndrome), curse back (which keeps spasming at the odd angles I'm leaning over at while in the back of the car), and finally get a clue. Install son-of-a-b*tch/fraking/piece-of-crap base in middle of back seat, realizing that just because I didn't see that the instructions said I could put it there didn't mean it wasn't allowed. Installed beautifully.
When I later described my fight with the car base, Husband had to add "So easy, even a sleep deprived new Mother can do it". :)
Car starts. Yea! Last person to drive it was Husband on December 4th, when he rescued it for me from one of my doctor's offices. [On December 3rd, I got walked over to the hospital from my doctor's office, and admitted to have induction started.]
I haven't driven a car since December 3rd. Just feeling the steering wheel in my hands again... Happy Sigh. I have my freedom back. :)
11:30 am:
Drive to clinic for BLOOD TEST, which I was FASTING for since midnight.
12:00 pm:
Get blood drawn.
12:15 pm:
Stand in line at clinic to ensure they had current insurance info.
12:25 pm:
Realized that people who would have let me cut ahead in line when I was 8+ months pregnant will NOT do me any favors while trying to carry 10+ pound baby in 5+ pound car seat, plus baby bag plus purse. Logan starts to cry... but is ok once we're driving again.
12:45 pm:
Scarfing McDonald's drive-through while sitting at bank. HUSBAND drives up and parks next to me!!! He saw me 5 cars ahead at McDonald's, and once he got his food, assumed I was headed for the bank, and tracked me down. And got to be very amused hearing about my adventures so far. :) Gave me hug, told me he was proud of me, LOL! Logan thankfully stays asleep.
1:10 pm:
I finish preparing checks for deposit. Drive car around to drive through... and the bloody bank has changed it's drive-thru ATM's. And in the process, has forgotten to fill up the cool new deposit envelope holder. Shit. Drive back around bank, and wake poor Logan up taking car seat out with me to walk-up ATM. Deposit 3 maternity leave checks that I've accumulated, as I haven't had a chance to deposit anything since before I was admitted to the hospital to be induced back on December 3rd.
1:20 pm:
Drive around for a while looking for where the phone store is. [Know it's near the bank.] Ahah! There it is! Oh, crap! Wrong cell provider. Logan's crying.
1:25 pm:
Park. Get into back seat. Try to cuddle Logan. No, he's probably hungry. Give him bottle. Shit! Can't give him cold breast milk, and have no way to warm it up in the car. But why can't you give baby's cold milk? Ok, nevermind... he only got a few swallows. Pull him back out of car seat, and pull out a boob, and start breast feeding.
1:30 pm:
Guy parked to my right walks back with his Subway Sandwiches lunch. And proceeds to eat it there in the car. Whenever I look at him, he's NOT looking at me. Still, I do my best to cover my boob!!!
1:45 pm:
Stop by work with Logan's birth certificate so HR can photocopy it and file it away as proof that I genuinely have a son that warranted adding a name to our insurance. Bring son in as well, LOL! [Talk about physical proof. Although I suppose I could have pulled down my pants and removed the bandage to show off the c-section scar, just so they could be sure.] Hear again how the 8 weeks for c-section + 6 weeks for bonding really is only allowed to total 12 weeks for maternity leave from the date of delivery. Which doesn't agree with what ObGyn said. So maybe I have until mid March, maybe I have until end of February. Still not sure.
Well, 2 weeks more or less... still have all of January and definitely most if not all of February.
Various co-workers get to see Logan and go ooh and aah. :)
Sigh. Logan starts crying again.
2:30 pm:
Arrive at other cell phone store. Purchase new phone to replace the dead one I got wet when I answered it twice in the hospital bathroom, with an ear wet from the shower. Pull Logan out of car seat and hold him when he starts crying again.
Yea! All my phone numbers were stored on the sim card, and it survived the wetting of the cell phone!
3:00 pm:
We're both home. Bring Logan inside, and all the crap from the car. Let dogs in. Clean off hospital germs. Run through bathroom. Remove Logan's outside clothes, change him. Crawl into recliner and feed Logan. Wonder how the hell people do this.
I'd intended to also visit my in-laws, and go grocery shopping. HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH!!!!!
Friday, September 14, 2007
Where to start?
Monday, 9/10/07, I worked almost 9 hours. Then I went grocery shopping. Once I got home, it was almost 7:30pm. I was tired, too tired to put groceries away. I needed to sit for a moment. And I badly needed dinner.
Husband is on couch in pain. Agony, actually, but I didn't realize it was that bad. Really bad cramps in his shoulders. He was trying to use a heating pad to fix it. I later found out they were bad enough to cause him to puke. :P Now that's bad.
I get this phone call from someone I don't recognize. She then explains she's with a close relative of mine, who has been in a car accident. And that my close relative is really rattled, and she really needs me to stay with her.
I pack a few items in my lunchbox, since I really can't be going hungry alot while preggers. Plus after I eat, I then have to prick my fingers. I don't know how long this whole thing is going to take, so...
I ask my husband to please put the groceries away while I'm off, having no idea that his pain is so bad he's going to puke while I'm gone! He mumbles something about sure. He says for me to give him a call if I need him to help. And amazing to me now, he does manage to put the groceries away, after he's finished puking. My husband is awesome.
My close relative... this was her wedding anniversary. She had called her husband, but his hearing is going, and he refuses to get a hearing aid. So the combination of static on her cell phone and his poor hearing meant that he didn't understand what she was asking him to do. So, he didn't come out to help her and/or just be with her. Add the fact that he was suffering from a bad case of the flu, and... yeah.
So I arrive. I talk to the cops. I talk to her. And I find out she accidentally ran a red light in the heart of downtown. The sunlight was in her eyes. She was driving really slowly, thankfully, because that part of town is notorious for having people walking against the light, and bicyclists zipping in and out of traffic.
When she was at the light, she saw a mom and daughter on her right. The daughter was holding the mom's hand. Then she looked away to move through the light, which she thought was green. She didn't see the daughter running ahead of the mom, into the crosswalk.
So yes, my close relative hit the little girl. :P Before you panic, the little girl was ok. The police assured my relative that the little girl was ok, but was being taken to the hospital to get checked on. The little girl was up and walking around after having been hit.
My relative probably only hit her hard enough to knock the poor little girl on her keester.
A ton of people stood in front of my relative's car. My relative tried to park, but the people were blocking her. They thought she was trying to flee the scene! She finally gave up trying to park, left the engine on, and got out of the vehicle. She stumbled forward and yelled that someone needed to call an ambulance, and if the little girl was alright.
The mother of the little girl merely glared at her. I guess I would have done that also, but the relative really hadn't meant to hit the little girl. My relative was very unsteady and shaky -- she has congestive heart failure -- and it took 2 men to carry her to a bench to sit down. And the police and ambulance eventually arrived.
There were two groups at the scene... the group surrounding the mother and child, and the group that was helping out my relative, getting her some cold water to drink. The group around the mother and child were all Mexican. The group around my relative were all white. It was really a shame, but that's exactly how the lines were drawn. :P
By the time I got there, there was a cop on duty, the ambulance had been and left, and the crowds had dispersed. I moved her car to a better parking location as she was in no condition to drive. I got debriefed by the cop and talked and comforted my relative. I heard that the little girl was going to be ok.
I then drove my relative to her home. We agreed that I couldn't drive her husband back to pick up the car, as he had the flu (and I'm nearly 7 months preggers), so the next day I called a cab to pick him up.
Meanwhile, my husband had vomited and put away groceries!
I crawled home, ate dinner, poked my fingers, and collapsed in bed, worrying about the little girl and about the probability that the mother of the little girl was going to sue the pants off my relative. Thankfully my relative has good automobile insurance.
And it bugged me how much the little girl's mom obviously hated my relative... when the whole thing was just a horrible accident. It also bugged me how it became this weird racial thing... group of Mexicans in one corner, group of whites in another. The whole thing was a combination of the worst of human nature and the best, in the sense that both groups were at least taking care of the person involved in the accident: the little girl on one side, my relative on the other.
That night I think I had the Chemistry nightmare. Something about realizing I had final exams and 2 papers due on my Chemistry class. Due the next day. I could remember what one paper was supposed to be about, but not the other. And then I realized I had finals in a bunch of other classes, but wasn't sure what and when they were as my planner just stopped at the day of the Chemistry final. Only I only realized it was both the Chemistry final and the day both papers were due at the same date and time towards the end, when I'd run out of time to write anything. And something about my sister telling me that maybe this whole thing wasn't mean to be? I think I screamed at her. :P
Tuesday, 9/11:
I was sortof calmer about what happened last night. Then, in the afternoon, I get a call from a friend. She needed me to help her out. For reasons I can't go into, I couldn't. She needs something she's not asking for, and until she asks for what she really needs... well... it's a long story. But after hanging up with her, I just felt helpless.
Got home after work. Ironed an outfit for my husband as he thought he would be heading to LA on Thursday, our 9th Wedding anniversary. Just a day trip.
Wednesday, 9/12:
Had an 8am appointment with the dietician. Thankfully, I'm doing pretty well on diet, according to the sugar testing numbers. Phew. But having to get up early enough to feed dogs, prick fingers, feed me... the time to prick my fingers AFTER breakfast coincided with when I was in bumper to bumper traffic, trying to get to my appointment in time. I ended up pricking my fingers in the dietician's office, about 10 minutes late, LOL!
Then work. Dead tired, and with 8+ hours of work, then 7 to 9pm baby class, I was going to be pretty trashed by the end of the day.
It was 11:50am. I was listening to "Blackout", by "Hybrid". I was singing along with it. There's a repeating line in it, "And the lights... go... out..." On the 2nd to last repeat of that line, as I was singing "And the lights... go... out..." -- they did. For 10 seconds.
I paused the song, freaking a little bit. My computer at work is on a UPS, so I hadn't lost any work. But the coincidence was just WEIRD.
I walked around the building, checking the computers that are running stuff I support, to make sure they were ok. Had to log back into one computer that my co-worker uses, and restart some software he runs. But that was about it.
I've had other weird coincidences in my life. Back in the early 90's, I prayed once for help from God to get up in the morning. I was really stressed about a project I was working on at work, and wanted to get in really early to keep working on it. For reasons I'm not sure I understood, I set my alarm for 4:30am.
Alarm goes off. I turn it off and the lights on. "What was I thinking? I can't even log into the network until 7am..." I put my head back on the pillow, leaving the lights on for the moment. At 4:31am, the Northridge earthquake starts.
I AM NOT KIDDING. I have had some weird shit happen in my life. I decided finally that I couldn't blame myself for the earthquake. Maybe it was God showing me that He listens to me, that He's there. And that He just made sure I set the alarm for the correct time, to set the coincidence up.
So, with the stressors occurring in my life recently... admittedly, things that are happening to other people I care about, not to me personally... maybe I needed a reminder of His presence. Hence the coincidence of this weird 10 second blackout.
So, I work until 6:30pm, then drove down to the baby class.
There was a video that was going to show an animation of the cervix opening up prior to birth. Animation. Ok, my husband and I can handle an animation. But then the video moved forward to showing a live birth! And, just for extra gross-out, the placenta coming out.
The entire class was speechless, and a little green. I looked over at my husband, and saw him furiously reading something in his lap rather than looking up to see that incredibly disgusting red blob of a placenta again!
The gal leading the class apologized for the placenta thing... she'd forgotten to forewarn us all. I raised my hand and said something about, "yeah, I thought this was going to be an ANIMATION?!?!?" Everyone laughed.
We leave the class at 9pm. Husband tells me that the LA trip got moved from Thursday to Friday. Now, if you're smart, you will NEVER try to drive to LA (or away from LA) on a Friday. Because THAT'S WHAT EVERYONE ELSE WILL ALSO BE DOING. So he's not quite so keen on making that trip now, understandably, and is considering bowing out.
That night I had a strange dream about the baby again. Once again, he was twins, but not conjoined at least. Both of them were premature, and because of it, had pointy ears?!?!? And they were both in this huge playpen. I noticed that there were some animals in the playpen, including a bird. And in one corner was some bird and animal poo. I got into the playpen with them, with a scrub brush and some clorox, and scrubbed the poo away. And what was really extra weird, the floor wasn't a normal plastic playpen floor, but was a metal mesh floor... like the floor in a bunny hutch!
Thursday, 9/13:
Woke up late. Remembered just before husband left to say "Happy Anniversary!", LOL! Prepared my breakfast. Poked finger. Started eating while soaking dog food. Poked finger 10 minutes early to drive to see ObGyn. Weee!
Then worked the rest of the day. For some reason, towards the end of the day, started to feel a little nauseated. Came home.
Husband cooked bacon and sausages for me. And wished me a Happy Anniversary, LOL! Whereupon I was like, "Oh, yeah! That's what I forgot for this evening!", LOL! I have a card, but it's mushy, not funny. It says what I mean, but my husband doesn't like cards, and I really wanted to have something to give him. But what we want to give each other is a new HD TV. And eventually a playstation 3. And Grand Theft Auto 4, when they finally... FINALLY... get it released.
I have visions of breast feeding my newborn with one hand while rapidly thumbing the PS3 control with my other hand, LOL!
Did I mention my husband and I are overgrown kids at heart? :)
Anyway, we are planning on getting the HD TV at some point, and basically giving it to each other as our Anniversary present. :) We just haven't gotten around to finding the best place to get it from.
We were going to go to friends Wedding reception this Saturday. But it's in LA. And this week has been hell. We bowed out of it.
Friday, 9/14:
Husband thankfully opted NOT to torture himself and NOT drive to LA Friday.
I read email this Friday morning from home saying that a coworker's son died in a motorcycle accident. Her son was in his mid to late 20's. He was already having a rough time as he'd spent 2 years taking care of his grandfather and not working. And then, w/o job or health insurance, he'd been diagnosed with cancer. Various people throughout our company donated money to help him get the cancer treatment he needed. But now it doesn't matter: he's gone. I don't know if he was hit by a vehicle, or wiped out on his own, or what.
It just makes me sick at heart. This is the 2nd person who I've known personally, or known the parent of personally, to die by motorcycle. I hate what his mom and dad are currently going through. I find myself mad at God, and that's never a solution to anything. I don't know why God allowed this to happen. I know He wants us to have free will, and that that often means we have free will to do the wrong thing or make mistakes. And that free will is very important. And sometimes God has to let us do stupid or wrong stuff. But it still makes me mad at Him. It just seems like a wasteful death, and, well, I don't understand the reasons for it. I guess this is testing my faith. :P
I've been trying to sell my motorcycle. As a future Mom, it doesn't seem like a good idea to keep the deathtrap. Admittedly, it's not so much that it's a deathtrap. It's that sharing the road with cars is what makes it a deathtrap. Most car drivers seem to be oblivious to the presence of a motorcyclist. They simply DON'T SEE THEM. And a motorcycle just doesn't offer the same protection in an accident that a car does. It just can't. Yeah, you can wear a helmet, wear a protective body suit and boots and gloves. But it's still your body bouncing on the road when it comes down to it.
Ever since I learned how to ride a motorcycle, through a very good group called the Motorcycle Rider Education group, I've realized just how invisible motorcyclists, and bicyclists, are on the road. And suddenly I'm hyper aware of them, and very careful to give them the room they need.
And now, I almost feel like, instead of selling my motorcycle, I should just melt it down for scrap metal!!! I know, stupid... it's because my maternal feelings are more hyper from impending motherhood. I just don't want to find out later that someone died on my bike. :P
So I read about my co-workers dead son. And fed the dogs. Pricked my fingers. Ate breakfast. Pricked my fingers again. Sat down with the dogs for a moment on the floor. And suddenly realized I was exhausted. Pregger hormones kicking in big time. Crawled back into bed for just a few minutes. Woke up and realized it had been longer than a few minutes. :P
I think the pregger hormones, the long week, and the recent bad news about my co-workers dead son hit me really badly. Honestly, I feel like the dead son was the last straw for the f*cking week.
I eventually got to work late and dragged around. I couldn't lift my mood, and it was as if all my energy had been taken away from me.
When I drove home, I broke into tears. And I realize it's because this motorcycle accident makes me afraid of losing my own child!!! I only realized it then... that's when it hit home. I'm afraid of losing him during the pregnancy, or after he's born, or when he's a kid biking around and some idiot hits him with their car, or when he's an adult and something else bad happens. I'm afraid of losing him while I'm still alive.
Someone said that it's wrong to outlive your own children. I get it now.
And I realize I'm mad at God because He might choose to take my baby... either before it's born, or after it's born... anytime through my son's life.
Shit.
Anyway, I cried all the way home, and cried when I got home. Husband came home, and had to talk some sense into me. I mean, yeah, our son could die. But that's life. We can only do so much.
He talked me out of my pregger-hormone-induced crying fit. Well, he helped me talk it through, and do any further crying I needed to do to let go of the stress of this crappy week.
It's Friday. We're not doing ANYTHING this weekend that isn't absolutely necessary. We're just done. Put a fork in us.
This has been a long week. :P
Husband is on couch in pain. Agony, actually, but I didn't realize it was that bad. Really bad cramps in his shoulders. He was trying to use a heating pad to fix it. I later found out they were bad enough to cause him to puke. :P Now that's bad.
I get this phone call from someone I don't recognize. She then explains she's with a close relative of mine, who has been in a car accident. And that my close relative is really rattled, and she really needs me to stay with her.
I pack a few items in my lunchbox, since I really can't be going hungry alot while preggers. Plus after I eat, I then have to prick my fingers. I don't know how long this whole thing is going to take, so...
I ask my husband to please put the groceries away while I'm off, having no idea that his pain is so bad he's going to puke while I'm gone! He mumbles something about sure. He says for me to give him a call if I need him to help. And amazing to me now, he does manage to put the groceries away, after he's finished puking. My husband is awesome.
My close relative... this was her wedding anniversary. She had called her husband, but his hearing is going, and he refuses to get a hearing aid. So the combination of static on her cell phone and his poor hearing meant that he didn't understand what she was asking him to do. So, he didn't come out to help her and/or just be with her. Add the fact that he was suffering from a bad case of the flu, and... yeah.
So I arrive. I talk to the cops. I talk to her. And I find out she accidentally ran a red light in the heart of downtown. The sunlight was in her eyes. She was driving really slowly, thankfully, because that part of town is notorious for having people walking against the light, and bicyclists zipping in and out of traffic.
When she was at the light, she saw a mom and daughter on her right. The daughter was holding the mom's hand. Then she looked away to move through the light, which she thought was green. She didn't see the daughter running ahead of the mom, into the crosswalk.
So yes, my close relative hit the little girl. :P Before you panic, the little girl was ok. The police assured my relative that the little girl was ok, but was being taken to the hospital to get checked on. The little girl was up and walking around after having been hit.
My relative probably only hit her hard enough to knock the poor little girl on her keester.
A ton of people stood in front of my relative's car. My relative tried to park, but the people were blocking her. They thought she was trying to flee the scene! She finally gave up trying to park, left the engine on, and got out of the vehicle. She stumbled forward and yelled that someone needed to call an ambulance, and if the little girl was alright.
The mother of the little girl merely glared at her. I guess I would have done that also, but the relative really hadn't meant to hit the little girl. My relative was very unsteady and shaky -- she has congestive heart failure -- and it took 2 men to carry her to a bench to sit down. And the police and ambulance eventually arrived.
There were two groups at the scene... the group surrounding the mother and child, and the group that was helping out my relative, getting her some cold water to drink. The group around the mother and child were all Mexican. The group around my relative were all white. It was really a shame, but that's exactly how the lines were drawn. :P
By the time I got there, there was a cop on duty, the ambulance had been and left, and the crowds had dispersed. I moved her car to a better parking location as she was in no condition to drive. I got debriefed by the cop and talked and comforted my relative. I heard that the little girl was going to be ok.
I then drove my relative to her home. We agreed that I couldn't drive her husband back to pick up the car, as he had the flu (and I'm nearly 7 months preggers), so the next day I called a cab to pick him up.
Meanwhile, my husband had vomited and put away groceries!
I crawled home, ate dinner, poked my fingers, and collapsed in bed, worrying about the little girl and about the probability that the mother of the little girl was going to sue the pants off my relative. Thankfully my relative has good automobile insurance.
And it bugged me how much the little girl's mom obviously hated my relative... when the whole thing was just a horrible accident. It also bugged me how it became this weird racial thing... group of Mexicans in one corner, group of whites in another. The whole thing was a combination of the worst of human nature and the best, in the sense that both groups were at least taking care of the person involved in the accident: the little girl on one side, my relative on the other.
That night I think I had the Chemistry nightmare. Something about realizing I had final exams and 2 papers due on my Chemistry class. Due the next day. I could remember what one paper was supposed to be about, but not the other. And then I realized I had finals in a bunch of other classes, but wasn't sure what and when they were as my planner just stopped at the day of the Chemistry final. Only I only realized it was both the Chemistry final and the day both papers were due at the same date and time towards the end, when I'd run out of time to write anything. And something about my sister telling me that maybe this whole thing wasn't mean to be? I think I screamed at her. :P
Tuesday, 9/11:
I was sortof calmer about what happened last night. Then, in the afternoon, I get a call from a friend. She needed me to help her out. For reasons I can't go into, I couldn't. She needs something she's not asking for, and until she asks for what she really needs... well... it's a long story. But after hanging up with her, I just felt helpless.
Got home after work. Ironed an outfit for my husband as he thought he would be heading to LA on Thursday, our 9th Wedding anniversary. Just a day trip.
Wednesday, 9/12:
Had an 8am appointment with the dietician. Thankfully, I'm doing pretty well on diet, according to the sugar testing numbers. Phew. But having to get up early enough to feed dogs, prick fingers, feed me... the time to prick my fingers AFTER breakfast coincided with when I was in bumper to bumper traffic, trying to get to my appointment in time. I ended up pricking my fingers in the dietician's office, about 10 minutes late, LOL!
Then work. Dead tired, and with 8+ hours of work, then 7 to 9pm baby class, I was going to be pretty trashed by the end of the day.
It was 11:50am. I was listening to "Blackout", by "Hybrid". I was singing along with it. There's a repeating line in it, "And the lights... go... out..." On the 2nd to last repeat of that line, as I was singing "And the lights... go... out..." -- they did. For 10 seconds.
I paused the song, freaking a little bit. My computer at work is on a UPS, so I hadn't lost any work. But the coincidence was just WEIRD.
I walked around the building, checking the computers that are running stuff I support, to make sure they were ok. Had to log back into one computer that my co-worker uses, and restart some software he runs. But that was about it.
I've had other weird coincidences in my life. Back in the early 90's, I prayed once for help from God to get up in the morning. I was really stressed about a project I was working on at work, and wanted to get in really early to keep working on it. For reasons I'm not sure I understood, I set my alarm for 4:30am.
Alarm goes off. I turn it off and the lights on. "What was I thinking? I can't even log into the network until 7am..." I put my head back on the pillow, leaving the lights on for the moment. At 4:31am, the Northridge earthquake starts.
I AM NOT KIDDING. I have had some weird shit happen in my life. I decided finally that I couldn't blame myself for the earthquake. Maybe it was God showing me that He listens to me, that He's there. And that He just made sure I set the alarm for the correct time, to set the coincidence up.
So, with the stressors occurring in my life recently... admittedly, things that are happening to other people I care about, not to me personally... maybe I needed a reminder of His presence. Hence the coincidence of this weird 10 second blackout.
So, I work until 6:30pm, then drove down to the baby class.
There was a video that was going to show an animation of the cervix opening up prior to birth. Animation. Ok, my husband and I can handle an animation. But then the video moved forward to showing a live birth! And, just for extra gross-out, the placenta coming out.
The entire class was speechless, and a little green. I looked over at my husband, and saw him furiously reading something in his lap rather than looking up to see that incredibly disgusting red blob of a placenta again!
The gal leading the class apologized for the placenta thing... she'd forgotten to forewarn us all. I raised my hand and said something about, "yeah, I thought this was going to be an ANIMATION?!?!?" Everyone laughed.
We leave the class at 9pm. Husband tells me that the LA trip got moved from Thursday to Friday. Now, if you're smart, you will NEVER try to drive to LA (or away from LA) on a Friday. Because THAT'S WHAT EVERYONE ELSE WILL ALSO BE DOING. So he's not quite so keen on making that trip now, understandably, and is considering bowing out.
That night I had a strange dream about the baby again. Once again, he was twins, but not conjoined at least. Both of them were premature, and because of it, had pointy ears?!?!? And they were both in this huge playpen. I noticed that there were some animals in the playpen, including a bird. And in one corner was some bird and animal poo. I got into the playpen with them, with a scrub brush and some clorox, and scrubbed the poo away. And what was really extra weird, the floor wasn't a normal plastic playpen floor, but was a metal mesh floor... like the floor in a bunny hutch!
Thursday, 9/13:
Woke up late. Remembered just before husband left to say "Happy Anniversary!", LOL! Prepared my breakfast. Poked finger. Started eating while soaking dog food. Poked finger 10 minutes early to drive to see ObGyn. Weee!
Then worked the rest of the day. For some reason, towards the end of the day, started to feel a little nauseated. Came home.
Husband cooked bacon and sausages for me. And wished me a Happy Anniversary, LOL! Whereupon I was like, "Oh, yeah! That's what I forgot for this evening!", LOL! I have a card, but it's mushy, not funny. It says what I mean, but my husband doesn't like cards, and I really wanted to have something to give him. But what we want to give each other is a new HD TV. And eventually a playstation 3. And Grand Theft Auto 4, when they finally... FINALLY... get it released.
I have visions of breast feeding my newborn with one hand while rapidly thumbing the PS3 control with my other hand, LOL!
Did I mention my husband and I are overgrown kids at heart? :)
Anyway, we are planning on getting the HD TV at some point, and basically giving it to each other as our Anniversary present. :) We just haven't gotten around to finding the best place to get it from.
We were going to go to friends Wedding reception this Saturday. But it's in LA. And this week has been hell. We bowed out of it.
Friday, 9/14:
Husband thankfully opted NOT to torture himself and NOT drive to LA Friday.
I read email this Friday morning from home saying that a coworker's son died in a motorcycle accident. Her son was in his mid to late 20's. He was already having a rough time as he'd spent 2 years taking care of his grandfather and not working. And then, w/o job or health insurance, he'd been diagnosed with cancer. Various people throughout our company donated money to help him get the cancer treatment he needed. But now it doesn't matter: he's gone. I don't know if he was hit by a vehicle, or wiped out on his own, or what.
It just makes me sick at heart. This is the 2nd person who I've known personally, or known the parent of personally, to die by motorcycle. I hate what his mom and dad are currently going through. I find myself mad at God, and that's never a solution to anything. I don't know why God allowed this to happen. I know He wants us to have free will, and that that often means we have free will to do the wrong thing or make mistakes. And that free will is very important. And sometimes God has to let us do stupid or wrong stuff. But it still makes me mad at Him. It just seems like a wasteful death, and, well, I don't understand the reasons for it. I guess this is testing my faith. :P
I've been trying to sell my motorcycle. As a future Mom, it doesn't seem like a good idea to keep the deathtrap. Admittedly, it's not so much that it's a deathtrap. It's that sharing the road with cars is what makes it a deathtrap. Most car drivers seem to be oblivious to the presence of a motorcyclist. They simply DON'T SEE THEM. And a motorcycle just doesn't offer the same protection in an accident that a car does. It just can't. Yeah, you can wear a helmet, wear a protective body suit and boots and gloves. But it's still your body bouncing on the road when it comes down to it.
Ever since I learned how to ride a motorcycle, through a very good group called the Motorcycle Rider Education group, I've realized just how invisible motorcyclists, and bicyclists, are on the road. And suddenly I'm hyper aware of them, and very careful to give them the room they need.
And now, I almost feel like, instead of selling my motorcycle, I should just melt it down for scrap metal!!! I know, stupid... it's because my maternal feelings are more hyper from impending motherhood. I just don't want to find out later that someone died on my bike. :P
So I read about my co-workers dead son. And fed the dogs. Pricked my fingers. Ate breakfast. Pricked my fingers again. Sat down with the dogs for a moment on the floor. And suddenly realized I was exhausted. Pregger hormones kicking in big time. Crawled back into bed for just a few minutes. Woke up and realized it had been longer than a few minutes. :P
I think the pregger hormones, the long week, and the recent bad news about my co-workers dead son hit me really badly. Honestly, I feel like the dead son was the last straw for the f*cking week.
I eventually got to work late and dragged around. I couldn't lift my mood, and it was as if all my energy had been taken away from me.
When I drove home, I broke into tears. And I realize it's because this motorcycle accident makes me afraid of losing my own child!!! I only realized it then... that's when it hit home. I'm afraid of losing him during the pregnancy, or after he's born, or when he's a kid biking around and some idiot hits him with their car, or when he's an adult and something else bad happens. I'm afraid of losing him while I'm still alive.
Someone said that it's wrong to outlive your own children. I get it now.
And I realize I'm mad at God because He might choose to take my baby... either before it's born, or after it's born... anytime through my son's life.
Shit.
Anyway, I cried all the way home, and cried when I got home. Husband came home, and had to talk some sense into me. I mean, yeah, our son could die. But that's life. We can only do so much.
He talked me out of my pregger-hormone-induced crying fit. Well, he helped me talk it through, and do any further crying I needed to do to let go of the stress of this crappy week.
It's Friday. We're not doing ANYTHING this weekend that isn't absolutely necessary. We're just done. Put a fork in us.
This has been a long week. :P
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