Where to start?

Monday, 9/10/07, I worked almost 9 hours. Then I went grocery shopping. Once I got home, it was almost 7:30pm. I was tired, too tired to put groceries away. I needed to sit for a moment. And I badly needed dinner.

Husband is on couch in pain. Agony, actually, but I didn't realize it was that bad. Really bad cramps in his shoulders. He was trying to use a heating pad to fix it. I later found out they were bad enough to cause him to puke. :P Now that's bad.

I get this phone call from someone I don't recognize. She then explains she's with a close relative of mine, who has been in a car accident. And that my close relative is really rattled, and she really needs me to stay with her.

I pack a few items in my lunchbox, since I really can't be going hungry alot while preggers. Plus after I eat, I then have to prick my fingers. I don't know how long this whole thing is going to take, so...

I ask my husband to please put the groceries away while I'm off, having no idea that his pain is so bad he's going to puke while I'm gone! He mumbles something about sure. He says for me to give him a call if I need him to help. And amazing to me now, he does manage to put the groceries away, after he's finished puking. My husband is awesome.

My close relative... this was her wedding anniversary. She had called her husband, but his hearing is going, and he refuses to get a hearing aid. So the combination of static on her cell phone and his poor hearing meant that he didn't understand what she was asking him to do. So, he didn't come out to help her and/or just be with her. Add the fact that he was suffering from a bad case of the flu, and... yeah.

So I arrive. I talk to the cops. I talk to her. And I find out she accidentally ran a red light in the heart of downtown. The sunlight was in her eyes. She was driving really slowly, thankfully, because that part of town is notorious for having people walking against the light, and bicyclists zipping in and out of traffic.

When she was at the light, she saw a mom and daughter on her right. The daughter was holding the mom's hand. Then she looked away to move through the light, which she thought was green. She didn't see the daughter running ahead of the mom, into the crosswalk.

So yes, my close relative hit the little girl. :P Before you panic, the little girl was ok. The police assured my relative that the little girl was ok, but was being taken to the hospital to get checked on. The little girl was up and walking around after having been hit.

My relative probably only hit her hard enough to knock the poor little girl on her keester.

A ton of people stood in front of my relative's car. My relative tried to park, but the people were blocking her. They thought she was trying to flee the scene! She finally gave up trying to park, left the engine on, and got out of the vehicle. She stumbled forward and yelled that someone needed to call an ambulance, and if the little girl was alright.

The mother of the little girl merely glared at her. I guess I would have done that also, but the relative really hadn't meant to hit the little girl. My relative was very unsteady and shaky -- she has congestive heart failure -- and it took 2 men to carry her to a bench to sit down. And the police and ambulance eventually arrived.

There were two groups at the scene... the group surrounding the mother and child, and the group that was helping out my relative, getting her some cold water to drink. The group around the mother and child were all Mexican. The group around my relative were all white. It was really a shame, but that's exactly how the lines were drawn. :P

By the time I got there, there was a cop on duty, the ambulance had been and left, and the crowds had dispersed. I moved her car to a better parking location as she was in no condition to drive. I got debriefed by the cop and talked and comforted my relative. I heard that the little girl was going to be ok.

I then drove my relative to her home. We agreed that I couldn't drive her husband back to pick up the car, as he had the flu (and I'm nearly 7 months preggers), so the next day I called a cab to pick him up.

Meanwhile, my husband had vomited and put away groceries!

I crawled home, ate dinner, poked my fingers, and collapsed in bed, worrying about the little girl and about the probability that the mother of the little girl was going to sue the pants off my relative. Thankfully my relative has good automobile insurance.

And it bugged me how much the little girl's mom obviously hated my relative... when the whole thing was just a horrible accident. It also bugged me how it became this weird racial thing... group of Mexicans in one corner, group of whites in another. The whole thing was a combination of the worst of human nature and the best, in the sense that both groups were at least taking care of the person involved in the accident: the little girl on one side, my relative on the other.

That night I think I had the Chemistry nightmare. Something about realizing I had final exams and 2 papers due on my Chemistry class. Due the next day. I could remember what one paper was supposed to be about, but not the other. And then I realized I had finals in a bunch of other classes, but wasn't sure what and when they were as my planner just stopped at the day of the Chemistry final. Only I only realized it was both the Chemistry final and the day both papers were due at the same date and time towards the end, when I'd run out of time to write anything. And something about my sister telling me that maybe this whole thing wasn't mean to be? I think I screamed at her. :P

Tuesday, 9/11:

I was sortof calmer about what happened last night. Then, in the afternoon, I get a call from a friend. She needed me to help her out. For reasons I can't go into, I couldn't. She needs something she's not asking for, and until she asks for what she really needs... well... it's a long story. But after hanging up with her, I just felt helpless.

Got home after work. Ironed an outfit for my husband as he thought he would be heading to LA on Thursday, our 9th Wedding anniversary. Just a day trip.

Wednesday, 9/12:

Had an 8am appointment with the dietician. Thankfully, I'm doing pretty well on diet, according to the sugar testing numbers. Phew. But having to get up early enough to feed dogs, prick fingers, feed me... the time to prick my fingers AFTER breakfast coincided with when I was in bumper to bumper traffic, trying to get to my appointment in time. I ended up pricking my fingers in the dietician's office, about 10 minutes late, LOL!

Then work. Dead tired, and with 8+ hours of work, then 7 to 9pm baby class, I was going to be pretty trashed by the end of the day.

It was 11:50am. I was listening to "Blackout", by "Hybrid". I was singing along with it. There's a repeating line in it, "And the lights... go... out..." On the 2nd to last repeat of that line, as I was singing "And the lights... go... out..." -- they did. For 10 seconds.

I paused the song, freaking a little bit. My computer at work is on a UPS, so I hadn't lost any work. But the coincidence was just WEIRD.

I walked around the building, checking the computers that are running stuff I support, to make sure they were ok. Had to log back into one computer that my co-worker uses, and restart some software he runs. But that was about it.

I've had other weird coincidences in my life. Back in the early 90's, I prayed once for help from God to get up in the morning. I was really stressed about a project I was working on at work, and wanted to get in really early to keep working on it. For reasons I'm not sure I understood, I set my alarm for 4:30am.

Alarm goes off. I turn it off and the lights on. "What was I thinking? I can't even log into the network until 7am..." I put my head back on the pillow, leaving the lights on for the moment. At 4:31am, the Northridge earthquake starts.

I AM NOT KIDDING. I have had some weird shit happen in my life. I decided finally that I couldn't blame myself for the earthquake. Maybe it was God showing me that He listens to me, that He's there. And that He just made sure I set the alarm for the correct time, to set the coincidence up.

So, with the stressors occurring in my life recently... admittedly, things that are happening to other people I care about, not to me personally... maybe I needed a reminder of His presence. Hence the coincidence of this weird 10 second blackout.

So, I work until 6:30pm, then drove down to the baby class.

There was a video that was going to show an animation of the cervix opening up prior to birth. Animation. Ok, my husband and I can handle an animation. But then the video moved forward to showing a live birth! And, just for extra gross-out, the placenta coming out.

The entire class was speechless, and a little green. I looked over at my husband, and saw him furiously reading something in his lap rather than looking up to see that incredibly disgusting red blob of a placenta again!

The gal leading the class apologized for the placenta thing... she'd forgotten to forewarn us all. I raised my hand and said something about, "yeah, I thought this was going to be an ANIMATION?!?!?" Everyone laughed.

We leave the class at 9pm. Husband tells me that the LA trip got moved from Thursday to Friday. Now, if you're smart, you will NEVER try to drive to LA (or away from LA) on a Friday. Because THAT'S WHAT EVERYONE ELSE WILL ALSO BE DOING. So he's not quite so keen on making that trip now, understandably, and is considering bowing out.

That night I had a strange dream about the baby again. Once again, he was twins, but not conjoined at least. Both of them were premature, and because of it, had pointy ears?!?!? And they were both in this huge playpen. I noticed that there were some animals in the playpen, including a bird. And in one corner was some bird and animal poo. I got into the playpen with them, with a scrub brush and some clorox, and scrubbed the poo away. And what was really extra weird, the floor wasn't a normal plastic playpen floor, but was a metal mesh floor... like the floor in a bunny hutch!

Thursday, 9/13:

Woke up late. Remembered just before husband left to say "Happy Anniversary!", LOL! Prepared my breakfast. Poked finger. Started eating while soaking dog food. Poked finger 10 minutes early to drive to see ObGyn. Weee!

Then worked the rest of the day. For some reason, towards the end of the day, started to feel a little nauseated. Came home.

Husband cooked bacon and sausages for me. And wished me a Happy Anniversary, LOL! Whereupon I was like, "Oh, yeah! That's what I forgot for this evening!", LOL! I have a card, but it's mushy, not funny. It says what I mean, but my husband doesn't like cards, and I really wanted to have something to give him. But what we want to give each other is a new HD TV. And eventually a playstation 3. And Grand Theft Auto 4, when they finally... FINALLY... get it released.

I have visions of breast feeding my newborn with one hand while rapidly thumbing the PS3 control with my other hand, LOL!

Did I mention my husband and I are overgrown kids at heart? :)

Anyway, we are planning on getting the HD TV at some point, and basically giving it to each other as our Anniversary present. :) We just haven't gotten around to finding the best place to get it from.

We were going to go to friends Wedding reception this Saturday. But it's in LA. And this week has been hell. We bowed out of it.

Friday, 9/14:

Husband thankfully opted NOT to torture himself and NOT drive to LA Friday.

I read email this Friday morning from home saying that a coworker's son died in a motorcycle accident. Her son was in his mid to late 20's. He was already having a rough time as he'd spent 2 years taking care of his grandfather and not working. And then, w/o job or health insurance, he'd been diagnosed with cancer. Various people throughout our company donated money to help him get the cancer treatment he needed. But now it doesn't matter: he's gone. I don't know if he was hit by a vehicle, or wiped out on his own, or what.

It just makes me sick at heart. This is the 2nd person who I've known personally, or known the parent of personally, to die by motorcycle. I hate what his mom and dad are currently going through. I find myself mad at God, and that's never a solution to anything. I don't know why God allowed this to happen. I know He wants us to have free will, and that that often means we have free will to do the wrong thing or make mistakes. And that free will is very important. And sometimes God has to let us do stupid or wrong stuff. But it still makes me mad at Him. It just seems like a wasteful death, and, well, I don't understand the reasons for it. I guess this is testing my faith. :P

I've been trying to sell my motorcycle. As a future Mom, it doesn't seem like a good idea to keep the deathtrap. Admittedly, it's not so much that it's a deathtrap. It's that sharing the road with cars is what makes it a deathtrap. Most car drivers seem to be oblivious to the presence of a motorcyclist. They simply DON'T SEE THEM. And a motorcycle just doesn't offer the same protection in an accident that a car does. It just can't. Yeah, you can wear a helmet, wear a protective body suit and boots and gloves. But it's still your body bouncing on the road when it comes down to it.

Ever since I learned how to ride a motorcycle, through a very good group called the Motorcycle Rider Education group, I've realized just how invisible motorcyclists, and bicyclists, are on the road. And suddenly I'm hyper aware of them, and very careful to give them the room they need.

And now, I almost feel like, instead of selling my motorcycle, I should just melt it down for scrap metal!!! I know, stupid... it's because my maternal feelings are more hyper from impending motherhood. I just don't want to find out later that someone died on my bike. :P

So I read about my co-workers dead son. And fed the dogs. Pricked my fingers. Ate breakfast. Pricked my fingers again. Sat down with the dogs for a moment on the floor. And suddenly realized I was exhausted. Pregger hormones kicking in big time. Crawled back into bed for just a few minutes. Woke up and realized it had been longer than a few minutes. :P

I think the pregger hormones, the long week, and the recent bad news about my co-workers dead son hit me really badly. Honestly, I feel like the dead son was the last straw for the f*cking week.

I eventually got to work late and dragged around. I couldn't lift my mood, and it was as if all my energy had been taken away from me.

When I drove home, I broke into tears. And I realize it's because this motorcycle accident makes me afraid of losing my own child!!! I only realized it then... that's when it hit home. I'm afraid of losing him during the pregnancy, or after he's born, or when he's a kid biking around and some idiot hits him with their car, or when he's an adult and something else bad happens. I'm afraid of losing him while I'm still alive.

Someone said that it's wrong to outlive your own children. I get it now.

And I realize I'm mad at God because He might choose to take my baby... either before it's born, or after it's born... anytime through my son's life.

Shit.

Anyway, I cried all the way home, and cried when I got home. Husband came home, and had to talk some sense into me. I mean, yeah, our son could die. But that's life. We can only do so much.

He talked me out of my pregger-hormone-induced crying fit. Well, he helped me talk it through, and do any further crying I needed to do to let go of the stress of this crappy week.

It's Friday. We're not doing ANYTHING this weekend that isn't absolutely necessary. We're just done. Put a fork in us.

This has been a long week. :P